Cooking Away My Worries...

I don't like who I am. I am spoiled. I expect too much from people. I feel empty and depressed... I'm spiraling down, farther and farther.

So I decided I am going to cook until I can't feel any more.

Tonight I'm using our leftover ham to make a cheddar and ham quiche. Instead of a pie crust, I am using hash browns. I didn't have any frozen hash browns, so I julienned the potatoes up real nice and mixed them with some  minute diced onion. My hands are aching, but I just... I can't. I had a lovely Christmas with my family, I saw Kolton and his family last night. Kolton and I had a great day yesterday. Yet today I feel empty and sad. I feel like I'm just floating along, not able to grab on anything to hold me steady.

My doctor took me off of Pristiq and started me on 40mg of Prozac. I just started taking the Prozac a few days ago after the Pristiq left my body. I have an eagle eye on my depression and I have asked Kolton and my best friend to keep a close eye on me, to make sure that I don't get too depressed. I'm scared.

Tomorrow I want to make split pea soup. Maybe Wednesday. Tomorrow my family might be going sledding with my uncle and his two daughters. I don't know if I am yet. Thursday mom has chemo again.

I hate who I have become and I don't know how to change.

Anger and Frustration

A few days ago, I had a major flare begin. All I've been doing is lying around, stretching when I can, and avoiding extra movement as I can... The pain levels are extremely high. I've been doing my best to help around the house, but I have been a lot less active than I normally am. Every time I move I have to avoid screaming... Over the years I have become very good at holding a mask up and not showing the pain. Most people are surprised to find out how much pain I really am in because I am so good at hiding it. I haven't had a choice about hiding it, it's the way it has had to be. I feel like I look dead. I can't feel emotion when I'm in this much pain... I just want to cry. I've had people questioning if I really am in a flare and it hurts so much to have to defend this to them... I just don't know what to do. Chances are I am reading way too much into this and taking it too personally, but I just can't help it. 

Since the flare began, I have noticed that I am extremely irritable. I am generally not an angry person, but I have been getting flashes of anger over little stupid things... Things that really should not be bothering me. It scares me. I shouldn't be angry like this. I just want to scream.

I am so frustrated with all of this. I saw my neurologist on the 24th and told him how I have been really worried that there is something else going on with my body other than fibro. My doctor ordered a full lab work up and a metabolic panel. I see him on the 22nd. I am so nervous... I'm very scared that something else is going on. I really should not be this sick with just fibro. Ugh.

Right now I cannot even describe how upset I am in general. I am having such a hard time coping with everything lately. This snow is just killing me and I have not reached the peak of this flare yet. Blahhh...

Breakthrough Pain

Lately I have been noticing a whole lot of breakthrough pain. My stress level is around a 10/10 and things are just crazy in my life. I know that my stress level definently attributes to my pain level, but this is just getting ridiculous.

My doctor has had me on Embeda for every day treatment and then MSIR for the breakthrough pain. Last month I took -way- less MSIR than usual, but I have noticed that the amount I am taking it is increasing again. Even on the Embeda, MSIR, and Robaxin, the pain is skyrocketing. I am having a lot of trouble moving, especially due to my lower back and hips.

When I went to my neurologist's last week, he gave me six or seven (I am thinking seven -- not quite sure!) steroid shots in my neck and back. The trouble spots that he injected are starting to loosen up and I definetly have more mobility in my neck, but the pain is just as bad... The muscle tension is more than it has been at this point in the steroid schedule. I am very concerned.


My depression is also getting worse and worse. I keep applying for jobs but I have not heard from anyone. I will be starting online classes at the local junior college in January, but until then, I have nothing much to do... I clean the house, cook dinner, do laundry, etc, but I feel so empty. I have been sleeping more and more, but feeling more tired. I just want to cry my eyes out but I don't even have the energy to do that. I feel like such a disappointment and a failure. Nothing I do helps those feelings. I have been considering going back to therapy, but it is so expensive and I can't drive. I don't want to bring up any of these things to my family because I know that they have enough going on with my mom being so sick...

I just feel so frustrated. I have been doing my best to mask my pain and not let anyone know how much it hurts to even breathe so they can focus on my mom... I let it slip for a second and I get questioned, then I feel as though I suck as a person for letting it slip.

I just don't want to live like this any more. I have been meditating more, journaling, doing more yoga... Nothing helps. I just can't do this.

Mom's Surgery

Mom's chemo pills haven't been working, so the doctor has decided that she needs to go back onto IV chemo. Right now she is getting her port put back in. She got her first port removed about nine months ago because of a blood clot. She starts back on chemo on Thursday. I am freaking out... I just don't know what to feel. I'm so scared my mom is going to die. I know that she is doing better, but it still terrifies me.

I've been crying a lot lately. Stress is just overwhelming me. My eye twitch came back this morning... My rash is getting worse. Pain levels have skyrocketed due to weather and stress. Ugh...

Please keep my mom and my family in your thoughts/prayers...

Stress and Depression Aren't a Good Mix...

I'm so sorry I have just kind of dropped off of the earth recently... Life has been difficult... Not as difficult as it could be, but I have been struggling a lot. The previous anti-depressant I was on, Zoloft, backfired on me and my depression increased at least doublefold. My doctor took me off of it and started me on Pristiq about 3 1/2 weeks ago. Four days ago I broke out into a rash. It is on my arms, legs, and now my face. It is so itchy! My depression hasn't really gotten any better... All I want to do is lay in bed. I have no interest in anything else. I have been going on cleaning sprees and forcing myself to go out just so I can try to get myself happier... It is a momentary distraction. It is getting harder and harder to get myself to leave my bed. I don't even have the energy to cry much. I just don't want to do this any more. I just want to be done... I see my doctor next week and I pray that he can fix this. I know I should call and tell him about the rash, but I know they'll tell me to stop the medicine... But what if it starts working that day or the next...?

Anti-depressants

Whenever a patient takes anti-depressants, there is always the risk that the medication will backfire. Five weeks ago, I began 100mg of Zoloft (I had been on 50mg for about six months and it wasn't working well enough). About two weeks ago, the 100mg started kicking in and my depression increased and increased. All I have been doing is lying in bed staring off all day. I was starting to get extremely scared... I just felt so empty and desolate. It was horrifying.

I saw my neurologist last night and he feels that the anti-depressant backfired. To fight this, I was removed from the Zoloft and I was put on 50mg of Pristiq. We are really hoping that this will help... But there is always the chance that this will backfire too. This is the third or fourth anti-depressant that I have tried, so it could be worse, but I am really praying that this will begin helping...

Has anyone else gone through this? How did you deal with the depression when it got extremely bleak?

Interview!

Hi all. Tuesday I did an interview with ChronicBabe.com's Jenni Prokopy and I just received a copy of the video! This opportunity was great and Jenni was amazing to talk to. I am so glad I got to do this!

Beware - the audio is pretty loud, so you might want to turn down your speakers a tad!

Anger

Right now I am furious. I can't find my water bottle which I had only an hour ago. I haven't moved from this spot. I have looked everywhere and it's just gone. I can't remember what I did with it. I'm angry with my sprained knee. I'm angry with the pain, the fatigue. I'm stressed beyond belief. I'm angry I'm not in school, that I still don't have a job. I'm angry with my family and friends for not understanding more. But mostly, I'm livid with myself.

I enable myself. No matter how bad the pain is, I still believe that I will wake up tomorrow and everything will be better. The pain will be gone. I will have a full night's sleep that actually restored me. I get false hope and then get crushed, even when I know that I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. I enable myself by overdoing it constantly and then being surprised when I can't move the next day. I do too much even when I can't really move.

I sprained my knee again. It had been hurting for a few days in a non-fibro way. I've been using my cane/wheelchair to prevent injury. This time I was sitting in Kolton's car and we were talking and laughing. I must have turned my knee just the wrong way when I shifted in my seat or something. I can't figure any other way out. We sat in the car for at least 20 minutes (it felt like a lifetime) with me screaming in pain. It felt as though someone had stabbed the top of my kneecap with a red-hot butcher knife. It was so bad that I was hitting myself, trying to pull out my hair, just to distract my body. I didn't realize that I was doing these things until Kolton grabbed my arms. I screamed and sobbed until the meds finally kicked in. This happened two days ago.

Today I decided it would be smart to clean my room. I mean, organize, make my bed real nice (I found my heated blanket though! I got it all set up which is definitely a plus!), scrub the wall where I spilled something, pick up stuff from the floor, go through a bin of old artwork and belongings... The list goes on. I did this with a sprained knee and a very sore back and neck. I did this because I am a moron. I knew that I was in too much pain to do this. I can't even put full weight on my leg without nearly collapsing. So why did I do these things?

I hate myself a lot of days. I have major anger, denial, and depression issues. I need to find a new therapist, one who is near this house. I need to start physical therapy for my fibro. I need to find a job... But I'm scared. I'm scared of all the change that has been happening. I'm scared of my family seeing me in this much pain, of my baby sister hearing me cry out in my sleep because the pain is too much; of her lying there awake because I can't sleep again because the pain is too bad. I'm scared of my mom dying. I'm scared of my family falling apart moreso than it already has. I'm scared of being forgotten. I'm scared that I won't get a degree...

I just don't know what to do anymore. I have lost most of my friends. I push everyone away and try to make them leave so they don't have to see me like this. I don't want to lean on anyone for help. I can think of four people who are still willing to talk to me, hang out with me, and that is slowly going down to two. I miss my friends...

I've been crying for the past half hour or so. I'm just frustrated with my situation, with my life. I'm so tired... I just want real sleep. The past few nights I have taken a sleeping pill only to lie awake all night long.

I just want my life back.


[Edit: I finally found the stupid water bottle. It was hiding in a pillowcase. How it got there, I have no idea.]

Changes

I am no longer a student of my beloved college... I am going to be doing online courses at the local junior college this year while trying to find a job that I am physically able to do. I am not handling any of this very well... I really miss my college... All of my friends there have returned and they started classes on Monday. I hear about the school and everything and it just breaks my heart not to be there. I probably was meant to not return this year, but still... My health has been terrible, my family can't afford it, and mom has been very, very sick. She is in a world of hurt... I wish I could make her better... I have been trying to clean and help around the house to make things easier on her, but due to stress, I have been rather sick too.

Lately I have been getting free massage therapy from one of my friends who is a masseuse. I cannot explain how much this has been helping. It is kind of awkward for me because I have known him for 16 or 17 years now, but he cracks jokes and whatnot and makes me feel better.

Today I gardened a lot. We have a veggie garden in our backyard that hasn't been tended in a while. So I went in the garage, got the gardening supplies, and went at all the weeds. The garden looks WAY better and I am extremely pleased. I harvested a ton of carrots, some of which are huge! I also found some string beans that are still good. I exhausted myself going through some of my college boxes too. I finally found my camera's battery charger!

After gardening, I ended up laying down and passing out for over four hours. I woke up feeling miserable. I now have a fever and can't breathe properly... I keep coughing and I have nausea, but luckily nothing has come from that yet.

Hopefully I'll be blogging more since I am at home. I can't register for spring term at the junior college until the end of October, so I better find a job soon!

Stress Relief

Life has been extremely stressful recently. There has been a lot of fighting in my home and I'm to blame for it. I'm really struggling with my depression lately and I've been very apathetic to everything. That isn't going over too well with my family. I understand completely why they are upset, but all I want to do lately is cry. I can't even do that. I just feel empty. My neurologist doubled my Zoloft from 50mg to 100mg a day in hopes that it will help. I really hope it does! I just can't live like this any more.

I do have really great news!  The steroid shots seemed to have finally helped. My muscles are way more relaxed and less painful. It is such a relief! I was really worried that they weren't going to help and I went through all that pain. I am so happy they worked!

I have been doing Tai Chi and yoga again, which always help my stress levels. I have also been meditating. Last night I sat out on the deck staring at the stars while listening to a Harry Potter audio book. It's amazing what a difference the little things can make to a person's outlook. Here's hoping things continue to perk up a bit!

Today has been wonderful too, which has really helped me. Kolton and I had a lovely date. We're going to my friend Crystal's house tonight for a get-together which will be fun. I'm really happy things are going well between Kolton and me. I really love him. I am honestly the luckiest woman alive to have such a caring and supportive man who loves me this much.

Steroid Shots?

Today has been awful. My pain has skyrocketed lately... I mean, it's been bad recently, but these past few days it's been way worse. I tried getting out of bed this morning and when I put any weight on my legs, it felt as though there were hundreds of knives being put into my legs. This didn't go away for a few hours... If I sit up for too long, it feels like knives are being shot into my lower/middle back. This is awful!

I see my neurologist on Wednesday evening. I am going to talk to him about this... This has never happened to this severity before. During my last two appointments, we have discussed steroid shots for where it is really bad. Does anyone get steroid shots for their fibromyalgia? I am really considering getting the shots on Wednesday...

I have had one steroid shot before, when I was 13. It was our last shot before my first knee surgery. I reacted very badly. Within 30 minutes, my knee was bright red and extremely swollen. We are unsure if this is because of a reaction or because the doctor screwed up. I'm really scared to do this... But I don't see any other options right now...

Frustration

I hate myself. I hate myself for being a disappointment to my parents. I hate myself for being a money-sucking, financial burden to them. I hate myself for causing my family stress. I hate myself for not being able to sleep. I hate myself for being moody, irritable, and all together annoying. I hate myself for being sick; I should be able to stop being in so much pain by just focusing enough. I hate myself for needing the morphine to get through a day. I hate myself for being scared. I hate myself for being this depressed. I hate myself for pushing everyone away and losing almost every single friend I have. I hate myself for not being able to make dinner when my family needs me to. I hate myself for not being able to do my easy chores. I hate myself for not being able to stay on top of the things I know I have to do. I hate myself for being self-centered enough to type this stupid blog. I hate myself for a million other things.

I can't focus on anything but self-hatred. I've been having a pity party all night. My thoughts just keep repeating themselves over and over again. I want to scream, but I can't. I can't lay down (or is it lie down? I have never been able to remember the difference) because my back hurts too much. I've been propped up against pillows. I want to sleep so badly... My sleeping pills have been knocking me out for 14+ hours lately, probably because I have had way too many sleepless nights recently.

I just can't live like this any more. I am in so much pain... The morphine and percocet are barely shaving the top off of it. Earlier I sat in the kitchen just bawling because I didn't know what to do. I needed to make dinner, but the chicken I had pulled out the day before was still frozen and we need groceries. Everything I could think of that I could make was out of reach physically. I might have been able to make pancakes, but that would have meant making the batter from scratch and standing there for at least 30 minutes flipping the pancakes (that's a lot of pancakes, but I have to feed 6). I just couldn't comprehend the amount of movement it would have taken. I tried reaching for the mixing bowl I needed, but I couldn't lift my arms high enough. How was I supposed to spend over half an hour cooking? We ended up ordering pizza. I know I'm a huge disappointment to my parents... I try so hard, but it's not going to be good enough. 

I know no one wants to hear this, but I can't find my journal. Even if I could, I don't think I could hand write. I could just type this up in a word document, but I wouldn't bother. I need to make myself accountable, otherwise I won't vent. I'm not going to feel any better after this, but I just can't not write this.

I just don't want to live any more. I'm not going to commit suicide or anything, but I'm tired. I'm tired of sleepless nights, of it being too painful to cry. What do you do when you reach this point, if you do?

zzz

I am so tired... I slept for maybe 45 min tops today. I can barely see straight. I took a sleeping pill last night, but it didnt work. so i sat up all night hallucinating. talk about scary!     right now i am at my neurologists office, waiting to see him. i have been so frustrated with my health lately... stress is not helping me at all.    anyway, on my phone  so maybe more later if im still awake
e

Relay for Life

Last night I took part in Relay for Life, unexpectedly. I loved it, especially in light of what's been going on with my mom. My friend's family had a team, so I joined them and walked for six hours. I don't know how I did it, haha! It was a blast. My friend Kat and I walked and walked and walked. We caught up, as we haven't seen each other since high school. It was really nice.

I posted on my facebook: 

Jen helped raise over $15,000 with Relay for Life in Lockport last night in support of cancer research. It was all for you, [mom]. I love you mom.

Her response?

Thank you, Jen - I love you very much and I know this took a lot out of you, for a very fine cause. I think I'm living proof that all the money raised towards research is indeed helping many live a much longer life than would've been possible not so long ago.

I'm so happy right now, even if I'm exhausted and sore.

Life has been really tough.

I'm still in shock about mom's diagnosis... I can't believe that her cancer metastasized to her liver. She started the chemo pills last week... She was extremely sick today. It's really hard on all of my family. I'm so worried about her.

Yesterday I went back to the brain scan place and got my results. My brain's functioning is relatively normal, but my visual memory is lower. My depression rating was extremely high, as was my obsessive compulsiveness. I get a lot of nagging thoughts, but thankfully I don't really have any compulsive behaviors that I'm aware of. I broke down yesterday... It was extremely difficult to see these things written down.

I don't know how to feel anymore.

Update

Hi all... These past two weeks have been very difficult for me. As said on Twitter, I would tell everyone what was going on this week.

Last Monday, mom was admitted to the hospital due to severe side pain. They transferred her to the hospital where her medical file was. She was admitted. Thursday night, my mom returned home. They ran bone scans, CAT scans, MRIs, and a liver biopsy.

My mom's breast cancer has moved to her liver. The tumor is rather large, from what I understand. Surgery is not an option. They are going to be giving her chemo pills indefinitely. I do not know what stage it is at. Her doctor has high hopes and thinks that she will be fine.

I don't know what to do. I'm angry, I'm scared, I'm upset... I'm numb to be honest. I just don't know what to do.

Chemo starts tonight I think. Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers... I'm so scared.

Thank goodness for DVR.

Probably a short blog today. My hands are really bothering me. I can't sleep, so I'm catching up with my DVR, mostly because it is running out of space. I could barely move today. My pain levels are extremely high. I didn't take any pain medications for 24 hours though! I am very pleased with this. I really need to detox, I feel so mindless lately because of the medications. Usually I try to have at least one day a week where I don't take any pain medications. It helps my body with tolerances and buildups. I try to not take the medications at all, but that just has not been feasible lately.

Tomorrow I am going to call the biofeedback clinic to schedule a brain scan. I see my neurologist in the next two weeks and I am going to ask for a script for physical therapy with hydrotherapy. I'm so tired of living like this...

Sleepless Nights...

I have barely been sleeping recently. The weather is really messing with me and the pain has been so bad. My medications just aren't helping like they should be. My medications are making me itchy and hot, and honestly just ill-tempered. The pain is mostly in my back/neck tonight. My neck and upper back is so knotted up it is ridiculous. It's only making the pain worse, which in turn makes the knots worse. It's a lose-lose situation. I can't get the knots to go away in the slightest. I want to sleep, but I just can't. I'm not tired enough. I'm fatigued, but not tired. It's driving me crazy. I really need to start a new muscle relaxant. I've been on 350mg of Soma for way too long and it just isn't working now. I like Soma because it doesn't knock me out, like most muscle relaxants, but I just can't take this.

In better news, Kolton and I are celebrating our year and a half anniversary on Friday. Tomorrow we are supposed to be going to the Shedd Aquarium in Chicago, which I am super excited about. It's a free week, so we are taking the train up to Chicago and then taking a bus to the museum. I'm really hoping that we can get to go to the Buckingham Fountain. I've only been there once. Some more exciting news is that a friend that I have had for 16 years and I have been talking tonight. I've missed her a lot. I forgot how nice it is to talk to her. We've always gotten along really well and we understand each other very well. :)

"The Body Broken: A Memoir"

Yesterday I read the book "The Body Broken: A Memoir" by Lynne Greenberg. I found this book at the library while looking for books on fibromyalgia. I honestly think that I was meant to pick up this book. It was on accident, but I honestly think it may have been more than that.

This book was incredible. Lynne Greenberg suffers from chronic pain due to a neck problem and she chronicles her life in her memoir. This book spoke to me greatly. It shows how much chronic pain can truly affect someone's life and how hard it can be for others to understand also.

I wish I wasn't so tired. If I had more energy I would write more on this book. I very, very highly recommend it for all sufferers from chronic pain and their loved ones.

Frustration

In the past few days, I have realized that I don't remember a time before I was sick anymore. I've had fibromyalgia for 6 or 7 years now, since I was 14 or 15. I was diagnosed at 16. I'm now 21. This realization has really upset me. I've been crying a lot today. I'm just so very tired... Tired of always being in pain, tired of living like this, tired of disappointing people, tired of disappointing myself. I want to be normal. I want to be able to go to class every day and study and get good grades. I want to stop angering those around me.

I'm so tired and so sick. My pain levels have been extremely high. My pain pills aren't working. I'm out of morphine until next Wednesday -- I didn't make an appointment early enough and so I'm seeing my doctor 2 weeks later than I normally would.

I'm sorry that my blogs have been depressing recently. I'm really having a hard time.

Fibro Rantings

I am extremely frustrated today. My back has left me stuck in bed all day. It has been raining and the pain levels have been so very high. I ran out of morphine, one of the only medications that actually works. I switch off between that and Dilaudid. I'm so tired of not being able to actually move without taking these pills. I just want to be able to live again.... without so much pain. I'm so tired of living like this. I've been having a really hard time dealing with this recently.

I'm sorry I'm so negative today. I just want to scream and cry. I miss my old life, the one I can barely remember any more. I honestly think that is one of the most upsetting things about it all -- I can barely remember the time before fibro, before I was always in pain. I was only 14 or 15 when it came out. It's been over 6 years now. I'm so tired of it all.

I really hope tomorrow goes better than this. I have to be in my classes, or I might as well just drop out.

Choir Tour: Day Five!

This is it. I'm home. After a very long five days, I am home and it feels very odd not to be so close to 50 people. Usually I can't stand being around most people... But after these past five days it hasn't been nearly as bad. My homestay last night was lovely. I took a great hot bath in a soaker tub. It was great! I listened to an audio book, Catch Me If You Can by Frank Abagnale Jr., while soaking in my hot bath. I put in my aches and pains shower gel that I have too. It was just incredibly relaxing. I really needed that. The family I stayed with last night was so sweet. I adored them. I had such a great time. Honestly, I think that was my favorite homestay, as was staying at S's family's place. They are definitely tied!

This morning my choir performed at the confirmation service. It went very well. I'm sure it made the service very special for the kids who were being confirmed. After the concert, we had some lovely free time. I ended up playing cards with some friends for quite a while. I finished downloading the rest of my audio book, which made me very happy. My library has a service where you can download books and audio books, etc. It's great! Free too. :) The second concert of the day (the final concert of the tour!) went extremely well. I ended up crying at the last song. This concert was in honor of an alumni who had died in November. His wife was sitting in the second row and the way she looked at me during the song... I cried.  My choir sounded wonderful. I loved those concerts.

 I am home finally. l really am missing it... But I'm oh so glad to be home. My pain levels have been rather high today. My meds aren't working and I'm so very sore. I'd give anything for another one of those baths in a soaker tub, lol!

Tomorrow I will start posting more about what has been going on with my health and whatnot. This ends the choir tour series! Love you guys!

-Jen

Choir Tour: Day Four

Today has been nice. I got to sleep in until 9 and then we had breakfast at the church that we performed at last night. We then drove to downtown Madison, WI and had two and a half free hours there. It was tons of fun. I walked to the capital building and looked around. It is beautiful! Then I walked through the farmer's market and bought some pastries (they were buy one get one free!). I ended up going into some shops in the downtown area and I bought a skirt for $8 and a little statue of Ganesha, the god of overcoming obstacles. I have been looking for a statue for a while and it was only $12. It is really beautiful.

Right now I am in Milwaukee for three hours of free time, and then we are going to a church to meet up with our homestay families. I am exhausted... I can't wait to get home tomorrow and sleep in my own bed. I'm really enjoying tour and I have made new friends, but I'm just very tired.

The bus has not been very kind to my back. I have been sitting with a pillow behind the small of my back, which is helping somewhat. I really need to lay down though. I think I am going to go find some dinner and walk around. I hope everyone is doing well! I can't wait to catch up on everything.

-Jen

Choir Tour: Day Three

I am exhausted, both physically and emotionally. There are around 45 people on tour and I'm having a really hard time being around so many people at once. Don't get me wrong -- I am truly enjoying choir tour. I just need a break. Right now I am sitting outside of a church near Madison, WI just trying to find peace. I have been a loner ever since I hit 14 and started having the problems with the pain. This got worse after I was diagnosed. I really want to have more friends and to have fun with them, it's just very hard for me. I just need some detox time and then I will be okay. I think my exhaustion is probably from being on the bus with so many people for quite a while today. The seats are small and it is very crowded.

We have one more concert this evening, and then we are going to our homestays. I cannot wait. I am just exhausted... I want to go to sleep so badly. I honestly might take a short nap before our concert, depending on how long dinner takes. Chances are I won't get my nap. We had two concerts this morning at a high school and then a middle school. Some members of our choir are alumnis from those schools. Actually, at everywhere we have performed there has been a choir member who attends church there or went to school there. Every place so far has been very nice.

-Later-
My homestay is very nice tonight. She let me take a lovely hot bath with gardenia bubble bath. I feel gloriously relaxed. I really needed that. I'm so tired... I'm having a really hard time being around so many people all at once. It's nice to have some alone time.

Anyway, I'm going to go to bed, so goodnight darlings!
-Jen

Choir Tour: Day Two

Last night was really nice. I felt very comfortable at S's house and I slept incredibly well. I had a really hard time waking up, but I awoke feeling somewhat rested (moreso than usual). S's parents made me breakfast-to-go and off we went to meet the rest of the choir at Starved Rock. Even though I only live about an hour from Starved Rock, I had only been there once before, and that was to go canoeing when I was active with church (years ago!). I only saw the canoeing area, nothing more.

After we got to Starved Rock, we loaded our luggage on the bus and then went hiking. I ended up walking around by myself so I could get some alone time. I've been feeling very crowded and I just needed some space. I walked to two canyons with these beautiful waterfalls. I couldn't believe how gorgeous it was! I sat on a fallen tree and meditated for a while, listening to the rushing water and the birds. It was so lovely and peaceful... I haven't felt that at peace in a long time.

Right now we are at a McDonald's and I'm using their free wi-fi. I downloaded some e-books from my library in case I don't have internet later. I have a few books with me, but I'm almost done with them. I'm pretty tired. Thankfully we only have one concert tonight, but tomorrow we have four. I hope that the family I stay with tonight is nice and has a comfortable bed. My back is killing me!

I'll try to blog again tonight, if not tomorrow. Love you guys!
-Jen

PS - I'm going to set up a Flickr or something for my pictures so you all can see Starved Rock and whatnot. :)

Tour Day One

Today was a very long and exciting, yet draining, day. I finally woke up after a night of tossing and turning, then I went to therapy. Kolton met my knew therapist. I really like her. She understands me very well and I feel very comfortable with her. We are going to have two sessions a week. After therapy, I went to lunch and rehearsal. I passed out after rehearsal and then finished packing, just in time to get a good seat on the bus.

I'm currently on choir tour! We took a coach bus to a small town northwest of Chicago and performed at one of the choir members' church. It went well enough. I sure was exhausted though! After the concert, they fed us delicious food. Oh man, I can't think of the last time I ate that much! I had several people come up to me during dinner telling me how beautiful I am and how they are amazed I didn't use any music. (Note: I don't have a choice in not using music. Because of my cane, I cannot hold the folder up, so no music for me). It was very flattering.


Right now I'm at my friend S's parents' house. It's really nice. I'm very comfortable with her family. It makes me really happy! I'm exhausted... I wish I could go into more detail, but maybe tomorrow. My vision is starting to blur. Yay sleeping meds! I'm not sure if I will be able to post tomorrow or not. It depends if I can find a wi-fi connection or not. But I'm planning on writing regardless.

Night all. Sweet dreams~