Fibro Rantings

I am extremely frustrated today. My back has left me stuck in bed all day. It has been raining and the pain levels have been so very high. I ran out of morphine, one of the only medications that actually works. I switch off between that and Dilaudid. I'm so tired of not being able to actually move without taking these pills. I just want to be able to live again.... without so much pain. I'm so tired of living like this. I've been having a really hard time dealing with this recently.

I'm sorry I'm so negative today. I just want to scream and cry. I miss my old life, the one I can barely remember any more. I honestly think that is one of the most upsetting things about it all -- I can barely remember the time before fibro, before I was always in pain. I was only 14 or 15 when it came out. It's been over 6 years now. I'm so tired of it all.

I really hope tomorrow goes better than this. I have to be in my classes, or I might as well just drop out.

Sleepless Nights...

I'm really tired. I barely slept last night, I spent the entire night tossing and turning. Kolton was a sweetheart and talked to me for quite a while on the phone, which helped. I woke up this morning in extreme pain, again. I feel like this is never going to end and that I just can't catch a break. My entire back is very tight and sore. I'm unable to move enough to get to classes again. I don't know how in the world I'm going to get through the rest of this term. 23 more days until I'm out of classes for the summer, and 50 days until my ACL Reconstruction surgery. When I checked my email this morning, I saw that my chronic illness counselor had emailed me, telling me she's unable to meet with us (Kolton & I) this week... I haven't seen her since April 29th. I was really looking forward to the meeting this week, I really need to talk about this flare and I don't want to burden Kolton with it.

My sleep medicine is finally in! I had to mail-order all of my upkeep medications, and they have been delayed... But they're finally here! I'll finally be able to sleep again. ☺ For sleep, I take 25mg of Elavil. It really helps me.

I don't know what to do with myself right now. Kolton is working until at least 5pm (or did he start at 5pm? I can't remember anymore), so he won't be here to help me until then. I can't get up to go to classes... I guess that means it's another day spent wasted. I'm going to try to study, but I'm rather foggy and I know that I'm just going to get really frustrated from not being able to remember anything. Oh well.

I just have to get through the rest of the term.

There are only 28 days left until I get out of school for the summer. Right now I'm in a 3 and a half hour class. I'm so tired... My significant other surprised me this morning and took me for ice cream. We flew a kite after that. He makes me so happy. ☺

Today has gone somewhat better than yesterday did. They turned on my air conditioning last night, so I woke up able to breathe for once. My pain levels are no where near as high as they were yesterday. Usually the most extreme pain is in the morning and it fades as the day goes on, but today it was opposite that. I woke up feeling okay, and now I feel horrible. I had rehearsal at four and class from 6:30 until 10:00pm. After rehearsal, my friend asked how I feel. "I feel as though a bus hit me, ran over me, backed up over me, and ran over me again... Then a bulldozer came and scooped me off the ground, but then a garbage truck scooped me up, threw me into the trash, brought me to the waste management area, and I was then incinerated with the trash." I really just want to throw a tantrum, crying and sobbing, until I feel better again.

Tomorrow I only have one class... Both music theory and choir rehearsal were canceled, thankfully. I don't have to wake up until noon if I choose to. After that, Kolton is supposed to come by. ☺ I'm excited. I love spending time with him. We took a nap earlier and it was the best I've slept in a few weeks now.

I'm sorry if I'm scatterbrained right now. I'm currently on Darvocet and Flexeril, Darvocet for the pain and Flexeril is a muscle relaxant. Darvocet is much nicer to me than the Norco is , thankfully. As soon as this class is over, I'm going back to my dorm and passing out I think... I might watch TV or read a magazine, but I am just exhausted. Taking a shower exhausted me earlier... I don't even remember laying down, and yet I took a short nap after my shower. Someone was in the handicapped shower and I didn't want to wait, so I took my shower in the normal one. Stupid communal showers.

I suppose I'll wrap this up for now, I imagine I've rambled enough.

*Gentle hugs!*