Teas that help fight night terrors & an update!

Hi everyone!

I'm back from staying with my best friend/'sister' and her family in St. Louis for two and a half weeks. I left the morning after the anniversary of my mom's death. I just couldn't handle being in my house... She passed away in our living room, so I can't even sit in there usually.

While I was in St. Louis, my best friend (who used to work for Teavana), introduced me to two different teas from Tea Forté -- Lemon Vervain (also known as Lemon Verbena) and Lemon Lavender. Both of these teas have really helped me sleep!

According to WebMD, Lemon Vervain/Lemon Verbena can help with:

Lemon verbena is a plant. The leaves and the flowering tops are used to make medicine.
Lemon verbena is used for digestive disorders including indigestion, gas, colic,diarrhea, and constipation. It is also used for agitation, joint pain, trouble sleeping (insomnia), asthma, colds, fever, hemorrhoids, varicose veins, skin conditions, and chills.
In foods and manufacturing, lemon verbena is used as an ingredient in herbal teas, as a fragrance in perfumes, and as an ingredient in alcoholic beverages. 

How does it work? 

Lemon verbena contains a substance that might kill mites and bacteria.

It truly has been letting me sleep much better than I have in a long time! Both teas are loose, so you will need a tea infuser or something similar.

If you are planning on trying the tea out (25 servings for $8!), please send me a DM on Twitter or leave a comment here. If you use a referral, we both get a $5 credit to the site! Each account can only recruit 5 people (to limit how much people can make through referrals), but I could really use the credits, since disability still hasn't come through and my dad's work is moving from Illinois to Ohio, so he's trying to find a new job.

Please let me know if you've tried these teas and if they've helped you! I'd much rather drink a cup or two of tea at night rather than take medication -- and I know that this feeling is shared by many spoonies.

In other news, I broke 2,000 followers! I'm in shock! My significant other, Kolton, sent me the link to the BBC article on The Spoon Theory by the ever-so-lovely Christine Miserandino (@bydls), the woman who runs ButYouDontLookSick.com, only moments after it was posted! It seems I broke the story on Twitter -- I've had so many RTs! Thank you all so much for helping me spread the word about The Spoon Theory. As someone who has an invisible illness, The Spoon Theory has helped me explain to my teachers in high school and college about what it is like to live with one.

I'm planning on beginning to start blogging regularly again! Hopefully I can stick to it this time, lol!

Love you all!
SpoonieJen

Pessimistic about being optimistic?

I'm sorry I haven't really blogged. I feel like I apologize every time I write a post (I probably do, lol). Life just never seems to stop being so... hectic. I'm still in mourning and the smallest things set me off. My depression and anxiety have been especially bad, including my night terrors. I seem to be constantly sick, as in fevers, chills, butterfly rashes, itchiness (everywhere!), and nausea and/or throwing up. I sleep all the time. Plus I'm getting multiple migraines daily. Ugh.

Peppy around 1.5 months old~ So cute!

I guess it's just one of those things. I need to go get an MRI done of my right hand and then see the rheumatologist again. It's just so difficult to schedule those types of appointments when I can't drive. My goal for the next year is to get off the heavy meds so I can begin driving again... I mean, if I can drive, I can go to school, work, see friends... The possibilities are endless. Instead I sit at home, do yoga (if I can), watch TV/Netflix/Hulu, and sleep. I see Kolton about once a week, sometimes twice.

In happier news, I have a pet rat! His name is Peppy and he lives next to my couch. Right now he's moving around newspaper and shredding it while chittering loudly. Chittering for rats is like when cats purr. Our two month anniversary was yesterday~ I'm guessing he's about 3 months, maybe 2.5 months old. He is a male dumbo rat. He makes me so very happy. He keeps me sane, haha. It actually really helps, having the responsibility of taking care of him. We kind of take care of each other in a way.

I didn't sleep much last night. I fell asleep right after dinner and then woke up around 1:30 AM. It's now 8:08 AM and I haven't slept since waking up. I think it's going to rain... My legs are aching something fierce.

I'm really trying to be more optimistic and more ... happier? I want to be happy. It's just so damn hard. I'm happy when I'm with Kolton, who I'm supposed to see today~! I'm happy when I can actually relax some and am not in major pain, but that is so rare these past few years. 

I feel so stuck.

Love you all~ Hope to hear from you guys soon!

xoxo,
Jen

What a long week!

It's been a long few months. I have several drafts on here from months ago that I never finished. I really need to finish a post I'm working on about my favorite pain creams.

Last Wednesday my grandfather fell while getting out of bed and hurt himself. He didn't hit his head, but he kept saying that he felt off. We ended up having to call an ambulance to transport him to the hospital to get him checked out. He was admitted as a precaution (he is 95!). All of the doctors were amazed that my grandpa doesn't take any medications other than baby aspirin and a supplement. He stayed at the hospital for a few days and then was transferred to a rehabilitation nursing home. He looks SO much better! After he fell, he kept saying that he felt as though all the life was drained out of him... He was so very pale. But now he has his color back and looks healthier than he has in a very long time. The doctors at the hospital confirmed he has Parkinson's Disease... But we've suspected that for a long time. While he was at the hospital, they started him on a medication for the Parkinson's and the shaking in his hands is almost completely gone! The medication isn't going to slow the progression of the disease, but it will help the symptoms. He looks healthier than I've seen him in a very long time.

These past few weeks I have been very stressed, which has caused a flareup of both my fibromyalgia and lupus. The lupus has been the worst though! My joints are killing me -- especially my ankles and wrists. Other joints hurt a lot too, but not like my ankles. It's awful. My legs have been swelling up like crazy because of it. I found my Nike sandals (with the bumpy, massage-y type sole) which helps a lot. My feet have been swelling to the point where some days I have problems wearing my gym shoes.

Anyway, hopefully I'll post my pain cream post later tonight or tomorrow, depending on how bad my wrists hurt.

I hope everyone is doing well!

Spoonie Love,
Jen

Frustration

I hate myself. I hate myself for being a disappointment to my parents. I hate myself for being a money-sucking, financial burden to them. I hate myself for causing my family stress. I hate myself for not being able to sleep. I hate myself for being moody, irritable, and all together annoying. I hate myself for being sick; I should be able to stop being in so much pain by just focusing enough. I hate myself for needing the morphine to get through a day. I hate myself for being scared. I hate myself for being this depressed. I hate myself for pushing everyone away and losing almost every single friend I have. I hate myself for not being able to make dinner when my family needs me to. I hate myself for not being able to do my easy chores. I hate myself for not being able to stay on top of the things I know I have to do. I hate myself for being self-centered enough to type this stupid blog. I hate myself for a million other things.

I can't focus on anything but self-hatred. I've been having a pity party all night. My thoughts just keep repeating themselves over and over again. I want to scream, but I can't. I can't lay down (or is it lie down? I have never been able to remember the difference) because my back hurts too much. I've been propped up against pillows. I want to sleep so badly... My sleeping pills have been knocking me out for 14+ hours lately, probably because I have had way too many sleepless nights recently.

I just can't live like this any more. I am in so much pain... The morphine and percocet are barely shaving the top off of it. Earlier I sat in the kitchen just bawling because I didn't know what to do. I needed to make dinner, but the chicken I had pulled out the day before was still frozen and we need groceries. Everything I could think of that I could make was out of reach physically. I might have been able to make pancakes, but that would have meant making the batter from scratch and standing there for at least 30 minutes flipping the pancakes (that's a lot of pancakes, but I have to feed 6). I just couldn't comprehend the amount of movement it would have taken. I tried reaching for the mixing bowl I needed, but I couldn't lift my arms high enough. How was I supposed to spend over half an hour cooking? We ended up ordering pizza. I know I'm a huge disappointment to my parents... I try so hard, but it's not going to be good enough. 

I know no one wants to hear this, but I can't find my journal. Even if I could, I don't think I could hand write. I could just type this up in a word document, but I wouldn't bother. I need to make myself accountable, otherwise I won't vent. I'm not going to feel any better after this, but I just can't not write this.

I just don't want to live any more. I'm not going to commit suicide or anything, but I'm tired. I'm tired of sleepless nights, of it being too painful to cry. What do you do when you reach this point, if you do?

"The Body Broken: A Memoir"

Yesterday I read the book "The Body Broken: A Memoir" by Lynne Greenberg. I found this book at the library while looking for books on fibromyalgia. I honestly think that I was meant to pick up this book. It was on accident, but I honestly think it may have been more than that.

This book was incredible. Lynne Greenberg suffers from chronic pain due to a neck problem and she chronicles her life in her memoir. This book spoke to me greatly. It shows how much chronic pain can truly affect someone's life and how hard it can be for others to understand also.

I wish I wasn't so tired. If I had more energy I would write more on this book. I very, very highly recommend it for all sufferers from chronic pain and their loved ones.

Frustration

In the past few days, I have realized that I don't remember a time before I was sick anymore. I've had fibromyalgia for 6 or 7 years now, since I was 14 or 15. I was diagnosed at 16. I'm now 21. This realization has really upset me. I've been crying a lot today. I'm just so very tired... Tired of always being in pain, tired of living like this, tired of disappointing people, tired of disappointing myself. I want to be normal. I want to be able to go to class every day and study and get good grades. I want to stop angering those around me.

I'm so tired and so sick. My pain levels have been extremely high. My pain pills aren't working. I'm out of morphine until next Wednesday -- I didn't make an appointment early enough and so I'm seeing my doctor 2 weeks later than I normally would.

I'm sorry that my blogs have been depressing recently. I'm really having a hard time.

Fibro Rantings

I am extremely frustrated today. My back has left me stuck in bed all day. It has been raining and the pain levels have been so very high. I ran out of morphine, one of the only medications that actually works. I switch off between that and Dilaudid. I'm so tired of not being able to actually move without taking these pills. I just want to be able to live again.... without so much pain. I'm so tired of living like this. I've been having a really hard time dealing with this recently.

I'm sorry I'm so negative today. I just want to scream and cry. I miss my old life, the one I can barely remember any more. I honestly think that is one of the most upsetting things about it all -- I can barely remember the time before fibro, before I was always in pain. I was only 14 or 15 when it came out. It's been over 6 years now. I'm so tired of it all.

I really hope tomorrow goes better than this. I have to be in my classes, or I might as well just drop out.

Choir Tour: Day Five!

This is it. I'm home. After a very long five days, I am home and it feels very odd not to be so close to 50 people. Usually I can't stand being around most people... But after these past five days it hasn't been nearly as bad. My homestay last night was lovely. I took a great hot bath in a soaker tub. It was great! I listened to an audio book, Catch Me If You Can by Frank Abagnale Jr., while soaking in my hot bath. I put in my aches and pains shower gel that I have too. It was just incredibly relaxing. I really needed that. The family I stayed with last night was so sweet. I adored them. I had such a great time. Honestly, I think that was my favorite homestay, as was staying at S's family's place. They are definitely tied!

This morning my choir performed at the confirmation service. It went very well. I'm sure it made the service very special for the kids who were being confirmed. After the concert, we had some lovely free time. I ended up playing cards with some friends for quite a while. I finished downloading the rest of my audio book, which made me very happy. My library has a service where you can download books and audio books, etc. It's great! Free too. :) The second concert of the day (the final concert of the tour!) went extremely well. I ended up crying at the last song. This concert was in honor of an alumni who had died in November. His wife was sitting in the second row and the way she looked at me during the song... I cried.  My choir sounded wonderful. I loved those concerts.

 I am home finally. l really am missing it... But I'm oh so glad to be home. My pain levels have been rather high today. My meds aren't working and I'm so very sore. I'd give anything for another one of those baths in a soaker tub, lol!

Tomorrow I will start posting more about what has been going on with my health and whatnot. This ends the choir tour series! Love you guys!

-Jen

Choir Tour: Day Two

Last night was really nice. I felt very comfortable at S's house and I slept incredibly well. I had a really hard time waking up, but I awoke feeling somewhat rested (moreso than usual). S's parents made me breakfast-to-go and off we went to meet the rest of the choir at Starved Rock. Even though I only live about an hour from Starved Rock, I had only been there once before, and that was to go canoeing when I was active with church (years ago!). I only saw the canoeing area, nothing more.

After we got to Starved Rock, we loaded our luggage on the bus and then went hiking. I ended up walking around by myself so I could get some alone time. I've been feeling very crowded and I just needed some space. I walked to two canyons with these beautiful waterfalls. I couldn't believe how gorgeous it was! I sat on a fallen tree and meditated for a while, listening to the rushing water and the birds. It was so lovely and peaceful... I haven't felt that at peace in a long time.

Right now we are at a McDonald's and I'm using their free wi-fi. I downloaded some e-books from my library in case I don't have internet later. I have a few books with me, but I'm almost done with them. I'm pretty tired. Thankfully we only have one concert tonight, but tomorrow we have four. I hope that the family I stay with tonight is nice and has a comfortable bed. My back is killing me!

I'll try to blog again tonight, if not tomorrow. Love you guys!
-Jen

PS - I'm going to set up a Flickr or something for my pictures so you all can see Starved Rock and whatnot. :)

Yesterday I saw the chiropractor again. It went well. He explained my X-rays to me and I got a copy of them. Then he adjusted parts of my spine. It didn't hurt and it actually made me feel a bit better. I feel like a lot of pressure is off of my back now! Afterwards, they used a TENS unit on me, which helped quite a bit! I also laid on a roller table that massaged my back. It felt so good. After the session I was slightly sore but not that badly. Today I am feeling okay. My knee is feeling unstable so I've had it wrapped for most of the day, which helps a tiny bit.

Things have been stressful. I've been trying to make sure I relax... I haven't been sleeping well because of the stress. I don't know how to fix all of this. I feel that no matter what I do it won't help. I just wish that I had a job and that I was capable of working... That would fix quite a bit of it. It's so hard trying to make ends meet without asking my parents for money. I feel so guilty about it all. It's not my fault that this happened, but I still feel like it is. I can't really go out because I don't want to ask for money, I don't really buy anything, and if I do go out, Kolton pays. I feel so bad. Blah.

On a lighter note, the vertigo is gone. I haven't had it in a few days now. I'm still being cautious, but I'm quite pleased. Only 2 1/2 weeks left until surgery...

Yesterday I had my first appointment at the Fibromyalgia Centers of America. I honestly still don't know my feelings on it yet. The doctor examined me, took a spinal x-ray, and did some sort of temperature thing to see if any of my nerves were putting off heat, which could signify a pinched nerve. My back was lit up like a Christmas tree. The doctor said he would go over the x-rays and see what he could do to help treat my fibro, or if he could. I felt like the appointment was a bit too slick. The doctor seemed to care and know a lot about fibro, but I don't know. I'm going back on Friday. I honestly just don't know. I'm worried that he's one of the jerks that are trying to make a quick buck off of someone's fear and despair... Kolton is going with me again on Friday to help me.

This morning I woke up in a lot of pain. My back and legs just ache beyond belief. I'm so tired of this. I feel drained and exhausted... It is as though someone took a hammer and beat me while I was asleep. I don't want to take any medicine for it though. I'm just so tired of not being alert and aware of what is going on. I'm having a rough day. Ow... Now breathing hurts! Stupid back. Stupid fibro.

I'm doing my best to stay positive... It's just one of those really hard days. It's been raining all week and it's supposed to rain again tomorrow. Yuck.

My vertigo has not bothered me at all yet today! I am taking the Meclazine still to be on the safe side since I have to drive later, but yay! Today is my appointment at the Fibromyalgia Centers of America. Kolton is going to come with me! I am feeling okay today... It is raining right now and it's supposed to rain still tomorrow, so I'm slightly achy, but it's not that bad at all. Yay! I didn't realize how draining the vertigo has been until now. I have so much more energy today!

If you have been following me on Twitter, you have probably noticed that I am in support of the Iranians and that I have been helping spread the news. I am not from Iran, I am just a student living in America who wants to support their fight for justice. As someone on Twitter put it last night (sorry, I can't remember who!), this isn't about the candidates any more - it's about justice and freedom. Today I am wearing green in support and I just changed my blog to green. I wanted to go to the rally in Chicago last night (I live about 25 miles from downtown Chicago), but I wasn't feeling well enough. If another one happens, I want to go and show my support. Some people are confused as to why I am doing this... I can't just sit here and do nothing when people are dying and being beaten for saying that the election was fixed. I don't support any of the candidates in Iran - I support peace.

Hi everyone. I'm sorry my posts have been sporadic, this vertigo is getting to me. Today I had an appointment with a doctor my parents see about the vertigo. He isn't sure what is going on. I felt like I was rushed out of the office, which didn't make me happy. He's a good doctor, but I'm hesitant to make him my primary. He gave me a prescription for something that starts with an 'a' but I'm not sure what it is yet. He said it might help the dizziness.

When the vertigo gets bad, my ears ring and I get this weird tingling sensation on my tongue, behind my eyes, and at the back of my head. It's really weird. I told the doctor about it and he sounded puzzled. Has anyone dealt with vertigo like this before? What type of doctor did you see? What did you do to make it better, or at least more manageable?

Today I called the Fibromyalgia Centers of America to see if my insurance would cover a visit, on a long shot. It turns out it does! I have an appointment with them on Wednesday. The doctor is a chiropractor, which I'm slightly wary about. I figured it wouldn't hurt to at least hear what this doctor has to say.

Does anyone else live in the Chicago-area that sees specialists for fibro? I've been trying to find a new doctor without success. Any suggestions would be very much appreciated!

I hope everyone has a great night! I'll update you guys on what else has been going on tomorrow.

Hi! How is everyone's day going? Today was a long day for me. I slept great last night! After my concert last night, Kolton and I went and got dinner and then went for a lovely walk. I'm pretty sure that the walk guaranteed me sleeping well. We went to breakfast and lunch together today, which was quite lovely. We went to the mall and I got some new nose studs and some makeup. Victoria's Secret is having a 75 percent off sale on their makeup! I got some great eyeshadow, lip gloss, and makeup remover for about 12 dollars instead of over 40 dollars! It was awesome. After the mall we took a really nice nap. I fell asleep super quickly and slept like a rock. After the nap, we went to a swampy area and went 'frogging.' We tried to catch frogs with nets. I was able to catch one! I also caught a crawfish. Kolton caught a few crawfish, a dragonfly larvae, and a tadpole. He almost got a frog too, but it swam out of his net. It was so much fun! I fell in the mud. Right now Kolton and I are at his dad's house watching movies with his dad and his brother. Kolton was nice and let me borrow his shower and some clothes so I didn't have to sit around in muddy clothes.

I'm hoping that the exercise I've been doing lately will help my fibro. I've been doing more stretching than normal and I've also been walking a lot. I've been getting exhausted very quickly again. My back is still really bothering me too... Hopefully it'll stop soon. I'm really tired of this flare.

I hope everyone has a great night! I'll talk to you all tomorrow.

Sleepless Nights...

I'm really tired. I barely slept last night, I spent the entire night tossing and turning. Kolton was a sweetheart and talked to me for quite a while on the phone, which helped. I woke up this morning in extreme pain, again. I feel like this is never going to end and that I just can't catch a break. My entire back is very tight and sore. I'm unable to move enough to get to classes again. I don't know how in the world I'm going to get through the rest of this term. 23 more days until I'm out of classes for the summer, and 50 days until my ACL Reconstruction surgery. When I checked my email this morning, I saw that my chronic illness counselor had emailed me, telling me she's unable to meet with us (Kolton & I) this week... I haven't seen her since April 29th. I was really looking forward to the meeting this week, I really need to talk about this flare and I don't want to burden Kolton with it.

My sleep medicine is finally in! I had to mail-order all of my upkeep medications, and they have been delayed... But they're finally here! I'll finally be able to sleep again. ☺ For sleep, I take 25mg of Elavil. It really helps me.

I don't know what to do with myself right now. Kolton is working until at least 5pm (or did he start at 5pm? I can't remember anymore), so he won't be here to help me until then. I can't get up to go to classes... I guess that means it's another day spent wasted. I'm going to try to study, but I'm rather foggy and I know that I'm just going to get really frustrated from not being able to remember anything. Oh well.

“I cannot stand being awake, the pain is too much."

This morning I woke up in extreme pain. My back and legs made me scream because it hurt so much. It took me over an hour to roll over so I could email my professors. My significant other, Kolton, came over as soon as he was done with a final. He is such a sweetheart. He takes such good care of me. I honestly don't know what I'd do without him. He stayed with me and kept me company until a few hours ago, when he had to leave for work. I'm so lucky that he loves me so.

I become very pessimistic when it gets this bad. It's very hard to think positive. Right now I'm laying in bed, eating chocolate he brought me and watching Alladin on TV. I'm supposed to meet up with a friend and a tutor in an hour to study music theory. I really need the help, but I'm not sure that I can get there. They're meeting across the street, but I really don't know. I'm going to do my best to get there.

I'm going to go rest some more before the study session. I'm hoping I can make it!

*Gentle hugs to everyone*

Hello

So I have created a blog for my fibro, finally. I'm tired of editing myself and not saying how I'm really feeling on my other blogs, so this will be where I can speak freely about how my fibromyalgia has affected my life. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia when I was either 15 or 16, I can't remember any more. It is all a blur.

My health problems began when I was 12. I grew six inches in a year and my kneecap was rubbing against a bone, creating friction and pain. I sprained my knee continuously and eventually needed surgery. When I was a freshman in high school, my knee had an arthroscopic surgery. After I fully recovered, I was wonderful for about six months. I was able to run, play games, and live again. However, six months after that, the pain suddenly returned. My orthopedic continuously sent me back to physical therapy, which only made things worse. That went on for about a year. During my junior year of high school, I suddenly was unable to walk because of extreme pain. I ended up finishing junior year in a wheelchair and was diagnosed with fibromyalgia.

Since then, I was able to graduate high school and continue my education at a wonderful liberal arts college in the Chicago suburbs. I am an elementary education major with a music minor. I have worked extremely hard to stay in school, despite my health problems.

For the past month or so, my fibromyalgia has been flaring very badly. My wisdom teeth began to come in and have really made it horrible. My significant other, Kolton, has made it a lot easier. He supports me very much and does his best to make it better for me. My family is also a huge help. I don't know what I'd do without them.