Pessimistic about being optimistic?

I'm sorry I haven't really blogged. I feel like I apologize every time I write a post (I probably do, lol). Life just never seems to stop being so... hectic. I'm still in mourning and the smallest things set me off. My depression and anxiety have been especially bad, including my night terrors. I seem to be constantly sick, as in fevers, chills, butterfly rashes, itchiness (everywhere!), and nausea and/or throwing up. I sleep all the time. Plus I'm getting multiple migraines daily. Ugh.

Peppy around 1.5 months old~ So cute!

I guess it's just one of those things. I need to go get an MRI done of my right hand and then see the rheumatologist again. It's just so difficult to schedule those types of appointments when I can't drive. My goal for the next year is to get off the heavy meds so I can begin driving again... I mean, if I can drive, I can go to school, work, see friends... The possibilities are endless. Instead I sit at home, do yoga (if I can), watch TV/Netflix/Hulu, and sleep. I see Kolton about once a week, sometimes twice.

In happier news, I have a pet rat! His name is Peppy and he lives next to my couch. Right now he's moving around newspaper and shredding it while chittering loudly. Chittering for rats is like when cats purr. Our two month anniversary was yesterday~ I'm guessing he's about 3 months, maybe 2.5 months old. He is a male dumbo rat. He makes me so very happy. He keeps me sane, haha. It actually really helps, having the responsibility of taking care of him. We kind of take care of each other in a way.

I didn't sleep much last night. I fell asleep right after dinner and then woke up around 1:30 AM. It's now 8:08 AM and I haven't slept since waking up. I think it's going to rain... My legs are aching something fierce.

I'm really trying to be more optimistic and more ... happier? I want to be happy. It's just so damn hard. I'm happy when I'm with Kolton, who I'm supposed to see today~! I'm happy when I can actually relax some and am not in major pain, but that is so rare these past few years. 

I feel so stuck.

Love you all~ Hope to hear from you guys soon!

xoxo,
Jen

Stress Relief

Life has been extremely stressful recently. There has been a lot of fighting in my home and I'm to blame for it. I'm really struggling with my depression lately and I've been very apathetic to everything. That isn't going over too well with my family. I understand completely why they are upset, but all I want to do lately is cry. I can't even do that. I just feel empty. My neurologist doubled my Zoloft from 50mg to 100mg a day in hopes that it will help. I really hope it does! I just can't live like this any more.

I do have really great news!  The steroid shots seemed to have finally helped. My muscles are way more relaxed and less painful. It is such a relief! I was really worried that they weren't going to help and I went through all that pain. I am so happy they worked!

I have been doing Tai Chi and yoga again, which always help my stress levels. I have also been meditating. Last night I sat out on the deck staring at the stars while listening to a Harry Potter audio book. It's amazing what a difference the little things can make to a person's outlook. Here's hoping things continue to perk up a bit!

Today has been wonderful too, which has really helped me. Kolton and I had a lovely date. We're going to my friend Crystal's house tonight for a get-together which will be fun. I'm really happy things are going well between Kolton and me. I really love him. I am honestly the luckiest woman alive to have such a caring and supportive man who loves me this much.

Frustration

I hate myself. I hate myself for being a disappointment to my parents. I hate myself for being a money-sucking, financial burden to them. I hate myself for causing my family stress. I hate myself for not being able to sleep. I hate myself for being moody, irritable, and all together annoying. I hate myself for being sick; I should be able to stop being in so much pain by just focusing enough. I hate myself for needing the morphine to get through a day. I hate myself for being scared. I hate myself for being this depressed. I hate myself for pushing everyone away and losing almost every single friend I have. I hate myself for not being able to make dinner when my family needs me to. I hate myself for not being able to do my easy chores. I hate myself for not being able to stay on top of the things I know I have to do. I hate myself for being self-centered enough to type this stupid blog. I hate myself for a million other things.

I can't focus on anything but self-hatred. I've been having a pity party all night. My thoughts just keep repeating themselves over and over again. I want to scream, but I can't. I can't lay down (or is it lie down? I have never been able to remember the difference) because my back hurts too much. I've been propped up against pillows. I want to sleep so badly... My sleeping pills have been knocking me out for 14+ hours lately, probably because I have had way too many sleepless nights recently.

I just can't live like this any more. I am in so much pain... The morphine and percocet are barely shaving the top off of it. Earlier I sat in the kitchen just bawling because I didn't know what to do. I needed to make dinner, but the chicken I had pulled out the day before was still frozen and we need groceries. Everything I could think of that I could make was out of reach physically. I might have been able to make pancakes, but that would have meant making the batter from scratch and standing there for at least 30 minutes flipping the pancakes (that's a lot of pancakes, but I have to feed 6). I just couldn't comprehend the amount of movement it would have taken. I tried reaching for the mixing bowl I needed, but I couldn't lift my arms high enough. How was I supposed to spend over half an hour cooking? We ended up ordering pizza. I know I'm a huge disappointment to my parents... I try so hard, but it's not going to be good enough. 

I know no one wants to hear this, but I can't find my journal. Even if I could, I don't think I could hand write. I could just type this up in a word document, but I wouldn't bother. I need to make myself accountable, otherwise I won't vent. I'm not going to feel any better after this, but I just can't not write this.

I just don't want to live any more. I'm not going to commit suicide or anything, but I'm tired. I'm tired of sleepless nights, of it being too painful to cry. What do you do when you reach this point, if you do?

Frustration

In the past few days, I have realized that I don't remember a time before I was sick anymore. I've had fibromyalgia for 6 or 7 years now, since I was 14 or 15. I was diagnosed at 16. I'm now 21. This realization has really upset me. I've been crying a lot today. I'm just so very tired... Tired of always being in pain, tired of living like this, tired of disappointing people, tired of disappointing myself. I want to be normal. I want to be able to go to class every day and study and get good grades. I want to stop angering those around me.

I'm so tired and so sick. My pain levels have been extremely high. My pain pills aren't working. I'm out of morphine until next Wednesday -- I didn't make an appointment early enough and so I'm seeing my doctor 2 weeks later than I normally would.

I'm sorry that my blogs have been depressing recently. I'm really having a hard time.