I hate myself. I hate myself for being a disappointment to my parents. I hate myself for being a money-sucking, financial burden to them. I hate myself for causing my family stress. I hate myself for not being able to sleep. I hate myself for being moody, irritable, and all together annoying. I hate myself for being sick; I should be able to stop being in so much pain by just focusing enough. I hate myself for needing the morphine to get through a day. I hate myself for being scared. I hate myself for being this depressed. I hate myself for pushing everyone away and losing almost every single friend I have. I hate myself for not being able to make dinner when my family needs me to. I hate myself for not being able to do my easy chores. I hate myself for not being able to stay on top of the things I know I have to do. I hate myself for being self-centered enough to type this stupid blog. I hate myself for a million other things.
I can't focus on anything but self-hatred. I've been having a pity party all night. My thoughts just keep repeating themselves over and over again. I want to scream, but I can't. I can't lay down (or is it lie down? I have never been able to remember the difference) because my back hurts too much. I've been propped up against pillows. I want to sleep so badly... My sleeping pills have been knocking me out for 14+ hours lately, probably because I have had way too many sleepless nights recently.
I just can't live like this any more. I am in so much pain... The morphine and percocet are barely shaving the top off of it. Earlier I sat in the kitchen just bawling because I didn't know what to do. I needed to make dinner, but the chicken I had pulled out the day before was still frozen and we need groceries. Everything I could think of that I could make was out of reach physically. I might have been able to make pancakes, but that would have meant making the batter from scratch and standing there for at least 30 minutes flipping the pancakes (that's a lot of pancakes, but I have to feed 6). I just couldn't comprehend the amount of movement it would have taken. I tried reaching for the mixing bowl I needed, but I couldn't lift my arms high enough. How was I supposed to spend over half an hour cooking? We ended up ordering pizza. I know I'm a huge disappointment to my parents... I try so hard, but it's not going to be good enough.
I know no one wants to hear this, but I can't find my journal. Even if I could, I don't think I could hand write. I could just type this up in a word document, but I wouldn't bother. I need to make myself accountable, otherwise I won't vent. I'm not going to feel any better after this, but I just can't not write this.
I just don't want to live any more. I'm not going to commit suicide or anything, but I'm tired. I'm tired of sleepless nights, of it being too painful to cry. What do you do when you reach this point, if you do?
I've reached the point where I'm making life intolerable for everyone. I don't know what to do, but I hope my new medication/medication & sleep regime help, as well as going to family therapy and seeing my counsellor. I also keep a diary, and try to write in it whenever I can. It helps, but I'm still permanently angry. I just need something to work, because I can't take being so disabled by my illnesses anymore. I need to get out and see people, I need to get back to school.
ReplyDeleteIt's only got this bad since I started distance education (one Year 12 subject) in February. It finishes in November, and then I go back to a real school. I think that getting out of the house, and seeing people, doing something new, even if it's a movie, helps your general mood and wellbeing. It helps mine.
I hope you feel better about yourself soon. And I really wish there were something that could help us spoonies sleep, or kill the pain! I hope what I've written helps, sorry if it doesn't.
Alex.
You are not your illness. Your illness is not your fault - it's nobody's fault. YOU do not cause anyone stress; illness causes stress but YOU don't. You are not your illness. It is not your fault that you cannot sleep or are irritable - changes in brain chemicals due to your illness cause this. It is not your fault that you are too ill to see friends. It's their problem if they don't care enough to understand what you're going through. You are going through an horrific illness. Be gentle with yourself. Don't beat yourself up. You are special and precious. You are not your illness.
ReplyDeleteI have felt the way you feel everyday for so long now, it's hard to remember when I ever felt good again! I think everyone with a chronic illness goes through periods like this. Just be kind to yourself, you are having a flare-up and they WILL go away. If you can't make dinner, you can't make dinner. Is there anyone that can help you? I live with my husband and in-laws and they have been very kind in helping me with everyday activities that I can no longer do. I can't stand for more than 5 minutes because of severe lumbar disc disease with compression of nerve roots to both legs, so if I need to chop onions for a recipe, I set myself up at the table and sit down and do it. My husbband has been a GREAT help with laundry. We all work together, as a family. That way the pressure is not on any ONE person, but us all together.
ReplyDeleteI'll bet that if you were to ask your family and friends if they think you are a burden, their answer would be quite differently than what you think. Of course you are NOT a burden! They love you and want to help you through this tough time.
I'll be praying for you.
God bless!