I don't like who I am. I am spoiled. I expect too much from people. I feel empty and depressed... I'm spiraling down, farther and farther.
So I decided I am going to cook until I can't feel any more.
Tonight I'm using our leftover ham to make a cheddar and ham quiche. Instead of a pie crust, I am using hash browns. I didn't have any frozen hash browns, so I julienned the potatoes up real nice and mixed them with some minute diced onion. My hands are aching, but I just... I can't. I had a lovely Christmas with my family, I saw Kolton and his family last night. Kolton and I had a great day yesterday. Yet today I feel empty and sad. I feel like I'm just floating along, not able to grab on anything to hold me steady.
My doctor took me off of Pristiq and started me on 40mg of Prozac. I just started taking the Prozac a few days ago after the Pristiq left my body. I have an eagle eye on my depression and I have asked Kolton and my best friend to keep a close eye on me, to make sure that I don't get too depressed. I'm scared.
Tomorrow I want to make split pea soup. Maybe Wednesday. Tomorrow my family might be going sledding with my uncle and his two daughters. I don't know if I am yet. Thursday mom has chemo again.
I hate who I have become and I don't know how to change.
Hi Jen,
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to say hang in there and if you ever want to chat just send me an email. In the mean time cook and eat your way out of it, food is the best medicine!!! x
Jen,
ReplyDeleteI do know how you feel, and I encourage you to keep looking for ways to heal. Healing is truly out there and you're well on your way with understanding your relationship between the foods you eat and how you feel. I'll pray for 2011 to bring you all the best.
Sue Ingebretson
www.RebuildingWellness.com
Jen, I can't believe you don't like who you are. I think you're awesome! At any rate, your opinion is the only one that matters, and I know it can be hard to shake off that chemical funk, especially between prescription meds. Just remember: you will have better days. Hang in there and don't forget to pace yourself and take breaks while cooking. Bon apetit!
ReplyDeleteHello Jen,
ReplyDeleteYou are truly inspiring. Even I write my own book of trying to transpire to them the positive outlook in this sickness. You gave me a striking and worthwhile experience.
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God Speed!
Becky
Awww hun, I'm sorry. I know how tough it can be, and all those chemicals don't always help either. I had that problem when I first went off Lyrica (apparently it's also used as a mood stabilizer) and it was bad. I didn't even recognize myself. I legit wanted to die. But it got better. Sure, I still get depressed sometimes (who wouldn't with what we have to deal with?) but it's better. Things will get better, I promise you.
ReplyDeleteYou are a kind, caring, and wonderful person who is doing everything she can to live life with what has been dealt to her. Don't be so hard on yourself, you don't deserve it.
I'm always here for you, remember that. <3