Lately I have been noticing a whole lot of breakthrough pain. My stress level is around a 10/10 and things are just crazy in my life. I know that my stress level definently attributes to my pain level, but this is just getting ridiculous.
My doctor has had me on Embeda for every day treatment and then MSIR for the breakthrough pain. Last month I took -way- less MSIR than usual, but I have noticed that the amount I am taking it is increasing again. Even on the Embeda, MSIR, and Robaxin, the pain is skyrocketing. I am having a lot of trouble moving, especially due to my lower back and hips.
When I went to my neurologist's last week, he gave me six or seven (I am thinking seven -- not quite sure!) steroid shots in my neck and back. The trouble spots that he injected are starting to loosen up and I definetly have more mobility in my neck, but the pain is just as bad... The muscle tension is more than it has been at this point in the steroid schedule. I am very concerned.
My depression is also getting worse and worse. I keep applying for jobs but I have not heard from anyone. I will be starting online classes at the local junior college in January, but until then, I have nothing much to do... I clean the house, cook dinner, do laundry, etc, but I feel so empty. I have been sleeping more and more, but feeling more tired. I just want to cry my eyes out but I don't even have the energy to do that. I feel like such a disappointment and a failure. Nothing I do helps those feelings. I have been considering going back to therapy, but it is so expensive and I can't drive. I don't want to bring up any of these things to my family because I know that they have enough going on with my mom being so sick...
I just feel so frustrated. I have been doing my best to mask my pain and not let anyone know how much it hurts to even breathe so they can focus on my mom... I let it slip for a second and I get questioned, then I feel as though I suck as a person for letting it slip.
I just don't want to live like this any more. I have been meditating more, journaling, doing more yoga... Nothing helps. I just can't do this.
Jen,
ReplyDeleteLet's not go through this one day at a time. Let's try to get through it moment by moment. It sounds cheesy, but living in the moment is the only answer to finding some meaning, some joy. I love these things:
my son chuckling out loud,
knowing that I helped make someone smile,
music,
gluten-free food that actually tastes delicious,
learning,
talking,
meeting new people,
driving fast,
laughing,
movies,
neuroscience,
the sun,
the beach,
my cats,
and a million other things.
I feel the pain, the despair, the pure hopelessness. I long for a pain-free day. I feel alone & that nobody understands me. I long for TLC. I know that the overwhelming stressors that I have experienced in the last few years have added to my poor health, to my depression. I remember experiencing joy; thus, I know I can experience it again. The pain, the despair, the hopelessness can diminish. It is tiring wafting through the day to day struggle, but I know I'll find a light somewhere...somehow. I know you can too. I would love to share more with you. It's a pleasure meeting you & I find comfort knowing that someone else out there is experiencing life in much the same way. So, here's to new friendships! Gentle hugs & prayers being sent your way.