Anger

Right now I am furious. I can't find my water bottle which I had only an hour ago. I haven't moved from this spot. I have looked everywhere and it's just gone. I can't remember what I did with it. I'm angry with my sprained knee. I'm angry with the pain, the fatigue. I'm stressed beyond belief. I'm angry I'm not in school, that I still don't have a job. I'm angry with my family and friends for not understanding more. But mostly, I'm livid with myself.

I enable myself. No matter how bad the pain is, I still believe that I will wake up tomorrow and everything will be better. The pain will be gone. I will have a full night's sleep that actually restored me. I get false hope and then get crushed, even when I know that I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. I enable myself by overdoing it constantly and then being surprised when I can't move the next day. I do too much even when I can't really move.

I sprained my knee again. It had been hurting for a few days in a non-fibro way. I've been using my cane/wheelchair to prevent injury. This time I was sitting in Kolton's car and we were talking and laughing. I must have turned my knee just the wrong way when I shifted in my seat or something. I can't figure any other way out. We sat in the car for at least 20 minutes (it felt like a lifetime) with me screaming in pain. It felt as though someone had stabbed the top of my kneecap with a red-hot butcher knife. It was so bad that I was hitting myself, trying to pull out my hair, just to distract my body. I didn't realize that I was doing these things until Kolton grabbed my arms. I screamed and sobbed until the meds finally kicked in. This happened two days ago.

Today I decided it would be smart to clean my room. I mean, organize, make my bed real nice (I found my heated blanket though! I got it all set up which is definitely a plus!), scrub the wall where I spilled something, pick up stuff from the floor, go through a bin of old artwork and belongings... The list goes on. I did this with a sprained knee and a very sore back and neck. I did this because I am a moron. I knew that I was in too much pain to do this. I can't even put full weight on my leg without nearly collapsing. So why did I do these things?

I hate myself a lot of days. I have major anger, denial, and depression issues. I need to find a new therapist, one who is near this house. I need to start physical therapy for my fibro. I need to find a job... But I'm scared. I'm scared of all the change that has been happening. I'm scared of my family seeing me in this much pain, of my baby sister hearing me cry out in my sleep because the pain is too much; of her lying there awake because I can't sleep again because the pain is too bad. I'm scared of my mom dying. I'm scared of my family falling apart moreso than it already has. I'm scared of being forgotten. I'm scared that I won't get a degree...

I just don't know what to do anymore. I have lost most of my friends. I push everyone away and try to make them leave so they don't have to see me like this. I don't want to lean on anyone for help. I can think of four people who are still willing to talk to me, hang out with me, and that is slowly going down to two. I miss my friends...

I've been crying for the past half hour or so. I'm just frustrated with my situation, with my life. I'm so tired... I just want real sleep. The past few nights I have taken a sleeping pill only to lie awake all night long.

I just want my life back.


[Edit: I finally found the stupid water bottle. It was hiding in a pillowcase. How it got there, I have no idea.]