Anti-depressants

Whenever a patient takes anti-depressants, there is always the risk that the medication will backfire. Five weeks ago, I began 100mg of Zoloft (I had been on 50mg for about six months and it wasn't working well enough). About two weeks ago, the 100mg started kicking in and my depression increased and increased. All I have been doing is lying in bed staring off all day. I was starting to get extremely scared... I just felt so empty and desolate. It was horrifying.

I saw my neurologist last night and he feels that the anti-depressant backfired. To fight this, I was removed from the Zoloft and I was put on 50mg of Pristiq. We are really hoping that this will help... But there is always the chance that this will backfire too. This is the third or fourth anti-depressant that I have tried, so it could be worse, but I am really praying that this will begin helping...

Has anyone else gone through this? How did you deal with the depression when it got extremely bleak?

Interview!

Hi all. Tuesday I did an interview with ChronicBabe.com's Jenni Prokopy and I just received a copy of the video! This opportunity was great and Jenni was amazing to talk to. I am so glad I got to do this!

Beware - the audio is pretty loud, so you might want to turn down your speakers a tad!

Anger

Right now I am furious. I can't find my water bottle which I had only an hour ago. I haven't moved from this spot. I have looked everywhere and it's just gone. I can't remember what I did with it. I'm angry with my sprained knee. I'm angry with the pain, the fatigue. I'm stressed beyond belief. I'm angry I'm not in school, that I still don't have a job. I'm angry with my family and friends for not understanding more. But mostly, I'm livid with myself.

I enable myself. No matter how bad the pain is, I still believe that I will wake up tomorrow and everything will be better. The pain will be gone. I will have a full night's sleep that actually restored me. I get false hope and then get crushed, even when I know that I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. I enable myself by overdoing it constantly and then being surprised when I can't move the next day. I do too much even when I can't really move.

I sprained my knee again. It had been hurting for a few days in a non-fibro way. I've been using my cane/wheelchair to prevent injury. This time I was sitting in Kolton's car and we were talking and laughing. I must have turned my knee just the wrong way when I shifted in my seat or something. I can't figure any other way out. We sat in the car for at least 20 minutes (it felt like a lifetime) with me screaming in pain. It felt as though someone had stabbed the top of my kneecap with a red-hot butcher knife. It was so bad that I was hitting myself, trying to pull out my hair, just to distract my body. I didn't realize that I was doing these things until Kolton grabbed my arms. I screamed and sobbed until the meds finally kicked in. This happened two days ago.

Today I decided it would be smart to clean my room. I mean, organize, make my bed real nice (I found my heated blanket though! I got it all set up which is definitely a plus!), scrub the wall where I spilled something, pick up stuff from the floor, go through a bin of old artwork and belongings... The list goes on. I did this with a sprained knee and a very sore back and neck. I did this because I am a moron. I knew that I was in too much pain to do this. I can't even put full weight on my leg without nearly collapsing. So why did I do these things?

I hate myself a lot of days. I have major anger, denial, and depression issues. I need to find a new therapist, one who is near this house. I need to start physical therapy for my fibro. I need to find a job... But I'm scared. I'm scared of all the change that has been happening. I'm scared of my family seeing me in this much pain, of my baby sister hearing me cry out in my sleep because the pain is too much; of her lying there awake because I can't sleep again because the pain is too bad. I'm scared of my mom dying. I'm scared of my family falling apart moreso than it already has. I'm scared of being forgotten. I'm scared that I won't get a degree...

I just don't know what to do anymore. I have lost most of my friends. I push everyone away and try to make them leave so they don't have to see me like this. I don't want to lean on anyone for help. I can think of four people who are still willing to talk to me, hang out with me, and that is slowly going down to two. I miss my friends...

I've been crying for the past half hour or so. I'm just frustrated with my situation, with my life. I'm so tired... I just want real sleep. The past few nights I have taken a sleeping pill only to lie awake all night long.

I just want my life back.


[Edit: I finally found the stupid water bottle. It was hiding in a pillowcase. How it got there, I have no idea.]

Changes

I am no longer a student of my beloved college... I am going to be doing online courses at the local junior college this year while trying to find a job that I am physically able to do. I am not handling any of this very well... I really miss my college... All of my friends there have returned and they started classes on Monday. I hear about the school and everything and it just breaks my heart not to be there. I probably was meant to not return this year, but still... My health has been terrible, my family can't afford it, and mom has been very, very sick. She is in a world of hurt... I wish I could make her better... I have been trying to clean and help around the house to make things easier on her, but due to stress, I have been rather sick too.

Lately I have been getting free massage therapy from one of my friends who is a masseuse. I cannot explain how much this has been helping. It is kind of awkward for me because I have known him for 16 or 17 years now, but he cracks jokes and whatnot and makes me feel better.

Today I gardened a lot. We have a veggie garden in our backyard that hasn't been tended in a while. So I went in the garage, got the gardening supplies, and went at all the weeds. The garden looks WAY better and I am extremely pleased. I harvested a ton of carrots, some of which are huge! I also found some string beans that are still good. I exhausted myself going through some of my college boxes too. I finally found my camera's battery charger!

After gardening, I ended up laying down and passing out for over four hours. I woke up feeling miserable. I now have a fever and can't breathe properly... I keep coughing and I have nausea, but luckily nothing has come from that yet.

Hopefully I'll be blogging more since I am at home. I can't register for spring term at the junior college until the end of October, so I better find a job soon!

Stress Relief

Life has been extremely stressful recently. There has been a lot of fighting in my home and I'm to blame for it. I'm really struggling with my depression lately and I've been very apathetic to everything. That isn't going over too well with my family. I understand completely why they are upset, but all I want to do lately is cry. I can't even do that. I just feel empty. My neurologist doubled my Zoloft from 50mg to 100mg a day in hopes that it will help. I really hope it does! I just can't live like this any more.

I do have really great news!  The steroid shots seemed to have finally helped. My muscles are way more relaxed and less painful. It is such a relief! I was really worried that they weren't going to help and I went through all that pain. I am so happy they worked!

I have been doing Tai Chi and yoga again, which always help my stress levels. I have also been meditating. Last night I sat out on the deck staring at the stars while listening to a Harry Potter audio book. It's amazing what a difference the little things can make to a person's outlook. Here's hoping things continue to perk up a bit!

Today has been wonderful too, which has really helped me. Kolton and I had a lovely date. We're going to my friend Crystal's house tonight for a get-together which will be fun. I'm really happy things are going well between Kolton and me. I really love him. I am honestly the luckiest woman alive to have such a caring and supportive man who loves me this much.

Steroid Shots?

Today has been awful. My pain has skyrocketed lately... I mean, it's been bad recently, but these past few days it's been way worse. I tried getting out of bed this morning and when I put any weight on my legs, it felt as though there were hundreds of knives being put into my legs. This didn't go away for a few hours... If I sit up for too long, it feels like knives are being shot into my lower/middle back. This is awful!

I see my neurologist on Wednesday evening. I am going to talk to him about this... This has never happened to this severity before. During my last two appointments, we have discussed steroid shots for where it is really bad. Does anyone get steroid shots for their fibromyalgia? I am really considering getting the shots on Wednesday...

I have had one steroid shot before, when I was 13. It was our last shot before my first knee surgery. I reacted very badly. Within 30 minutes, my knee was bright red and extremely swollen. We are unsure if this is because of a reaction or because the doctor screwed up. I'm really scared to do this... But I don't see any other options right now...

Frustration

I hate myself. I hate myself for being a disappointment to my parents. I hate myself for being a money-sucking, financial burden to them. I hate myself for causing my family stress. I hate myself for not being able to sleep. I hate myself for being moody, irritable, and all together annoying. I hate myself for being sick; I should be able to stop being in so much pain by just focusing enough. I hate myself for needing the morphine to get through a day. I hate myself for being scared. I hate myself for being this depressed. I hate myself for pushing everyone away and losing almost every single friend I have. I hate myself for not being able to make dinner when my family needs me to. I hate myself for not being able to do my easy chores. I hate myself for not being able to stay on top of the things I know I have to do. I hate myself for being self-centered enough to type this stupid blog. I hate myself for a million other things.

I can't focus on anything but self-hatred. I've been having a pity party all night. My thoughts just keep repeating themselves over and over again. I want to scream, but I can't. I can't lay down (or is it lie down? I have never been able to remember the difference) because my back hurts too much. I've been propped up against pillows. I want to sleep so badly... My sleeping pills have been knocking me out for 14+ hours lately, probably because I have had way too many sleepless nights recently.

I just can't live like this any more. I am in so much pain... The morphine and percocet are barely shaving the top off of it. Earlier I sat in the kitchen just bawling because I didn't know what to do. I needed to make dinner, but the chicken I had pulled out the day before was still frozen and we need groceries. Everything I could think of that I could make was out of reach physically. I might have been able to make pancakes, but that would have meant making the batter from scratch and standing there for at least 30 minutes flipping the pancakes (that's a lot of pancakes, but I have to feed 6). I just couldn't comprehend the amount of movement it would have taken. I tried reaching for the mixing bowl I needed, but I couldn't lift my arms high enough. How was I supposed to spend over half an hour cooking? We ended up ordering pizza. I know I'm a huge disappointment to my parents... I try so hard, but it's not going to be good enough. 

I know no one wants to hear this, but I can't find my journal. Even if I could, I don't think I could hand write. I could just type this up in a word document, but I wouldn't bother. I need to make myself accountable, otherwise I won't vent. I'm not going to feel any better after this, but I just can't not write this.

I just don't want to live any more. I'm not going to commit suicide or anything, but I'm tired. I'm tired of sleepless nights, of it being too painful to cry. What do you do when you reach this point, if you do?