Steroid Shots?

Today has been awful. My pain has skyrocketed lately... I mean, it's been bad recently, but these past few days it's been way worse. I tried getting out of bed this morning and when I put any weight on my legs, it felt as though there were hundreds of knives being put into my legs. This didn't go away for a few hours... If I sit up for too long, it feels like knives are being shot into my lower/middle back. This is awful!

I see my neurologist on Wednesday evening. I am going to talk to him about this... This has never happened to this severity before. During my last two appointments, we have discussed steroid shots for where it is really bad. Does anyone get steroid shots for their fibromyalgia? I am really considering getting the shots on Wednesday...

I have had one steroid shot before, when I was 13. It was our last shot before my first knee surgery. I reacted very badly. Within 30 minutes, my knee was bright red and extremely swollen. We are unsure if this is because of a reaction or because the doctor screwed up. I'm really scared to do this... But I don't see any other options right now...

Frustration

I hate myself. I hate myself for being a disappointment to my parents. I hate myself for being a money-sucking, financial burden to them. I hate myself for causing my family stress. I hate myself for not being able to sleep. I hate myself for being moody, irritable, and all together annoying. I hate myself for being sick; I should be able to stop being in so much pain by just focusing enough. I hate myself for needing the morphine to get through a day. I hate myself for being scared. I hate myself for being this depressed. I hate myself for pushing everyone away and losing almost every single friend I have. I hate myself for not being able to make dinner when my family needs me to. I hate myself for not being able to do my easy chores. I hate myself for not being able to stay on top of the things I know I have to do. I hate myself for being self-centered enough to type this stupid blog. I hate myself for a million other things.

I can't focus on anything but self-hatred. I've been having a pity party all night. My thoughts just keep repeating themselves over and over again. I want to scream, but I can't. I can't lay down (or is it lie down? I have never been able to remember the difference) because my back hurts too much. I've been propped up against pillows. I want to sleep so badly... My sleeping pills have been knocking me out for 14+ hours lately, probably because I have had way too many sleepless nights recently.

I just can't live like this any more. I am in so much pain... The morphine and percocet are barely shaving the top off of it. Earlier I sat in the kitchen just bawling because I didn't know what to do. I needed to make dinner, but the chicken I had pulled out the day before was still frozen and we need groceries. Everything I could think of that I could make was out of reach physically. I might have been able to make pancakes, but that would have meant making the batter from scratch and standing there for at least 30 minutes flipping the pancakes (that's a lot of pancakes, but I have to feed 6). I just couldn't comprehend the amount of movement it would have taken. I tried reaching for the mixing bowl I needed, but I couldn't lift my arms high enough. How was I supposed to spend over half an hour cooking? We ended up ordering pizza. I know I'm a huge disappointment to my parents... I try so hard, but it's not going to be good enough. 

I know no one wants to hear this, but I can't find my journal. Even if I could, I don't think I could hand write. I could just type this up in a word document, but I wouldn't bother. I need to make myself accountable, otherwise I won't vent. I'm not going to feel any better after this, but I just can't not write this.

I just don't want to live any more. I'm not going to commit suicide or anything, but I'm tired. I'm tired of sleepless nights, of it being too painful to cry. What do you do when you reach this point, if you do?

zzz

I am so tired... I slept for maybe 45 min tops today. I can barely see straight. I took a sleeping pill last night, but it didnt work. so i sat up all night hallucinating. talk about scary!     right now i am at my neurologists office, waiting to see him. i have been so frustrated with my health lately... stress is not helping me at all.    anyway, on my phone  so maybe more later if im still awake
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Relay for Life

Last night I took part in Relay for Life, unexpectedly. I loved it, especially in light of what's been going on with my mom. My friend's family had a team, so I joined them and walked for six hours. I don't know how I did it, haha! It was a blast. My friend Kat and I walked and walked and walked. We caught up, as we haven't seen each other since high school. It was really nice.

I posted on my facebook: 

Jen helped raise over $15,000 with Relay for Life in Lockport last night in support of cancer research. It was all for you, [mom]. I love you mom.

Her response?

Thank you, Jen - I love you very much and I know this took a lot out of you, for a very fine cause. I think I'm living proof that all the money raised towards research is indeed helping many live a much longer life than would've been possible not so long ago.

I'm so happy right now, even if I'm exhausted and sore.

Life has been really tough.

I'm still in shock about mom's diagnosis... I can't believe that her cancer metastasized to her liver. She started the chemo pills last week... She was extremely sick today. It's really hard on all of my family. I'm so worried about her.

Yesterday I went back to the brain scan place and got my results. My brain's functioning is relatively normal, but my visual memory is lower. My depression rating was extremely high, as was my obsessive compulsiveness. I get a lot of nagging thoughts, but thankfully I don't really have any compulsive behaviors that I'm aware of. I broke down yesterday... It was extremely difficult to see these things written down.

I don't know how to feel anymore.

Update

Hi all... These past two weeks have been very difficult for me. As said on Twitter, I would tell everyone what was going on this week.

Last Monday, mom was admitted to the hospital due to severe side pain. They transferred her to the hospital where her medical file was. She was admitted. Thursday night, my mom returned home. They ran bone scans, CAT scans, MRIs, and a liver biopsy.

My mom's breast cancer has moved to her liver. The tumor is rather large, from what I understand. Surgery is not an option. They are going to be giving her chemo pills indefinitely. I do not know what stage it is at. Her doctor has high hopes and thinks that she will be fine.

I don't know what to do. I'm angry, I'm scared, I'm upset... I'm numb to be honest. I just don't know what to do.

Chemo starts tonight I think. Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers... I'm so scared.

Thank goodness for DVR.

Probably a short blog today. My hands are really bothering me. I can't sleep, so I'm catching up with my DVR, mostly because it is running out of space. I could barely move today. My pain levels are extremely high. I didn't take any pain medications for 24 hours though! I am very pleased with this. I really need to detox, I feel so mindless lately because of the medications. Usually I try to have at least one day a week where I don't take any pain medications. It helps my body with tolerances and buildups. I try to not take the medications at all, but that just has not been feasible lately.

Tomorrow I am going to call the biofeedback clinic to schedule a brain scan. I see my neurologist in the next two weeks and I am going to ask for a script for physical therapy with hydrotherapy. I'm so tired of living like this...