Teas that help fight night terrors & an update!

Hi everyone!

I'm back from staying with my best friend/'sister' and her family in St. Louis for two and a half weeks. I left the morning after the anniversary of my mom's death. I just couldn't handle being in my house... She passed away in our living room, so I can't even sit in there usually.

While I was in St. Louis, my best friend (who used to work for Teavana), introduced me to two different teas from Tea Forté -- Lemon Vervain (also known as Lemon Verbena) and Lemon Lavender. Both of these teas have really helped me sleep!

According to WebMD, Lemon Vervain/Lemon Verbena can help with:

Lemon verbena is a plant. The leaves and the flowering tops are used to make medicine.
Lemon verbena is used for digestive disorders including indigestion, gas, colic,diarrhea, and constipation. It is also used for agitation, joint pain, trouble sleeping (insomnia), asthma, colds, fever, hemorrhoids, varicose veins, skin conditions, and chills.
In foods and manufacturing, lemon verbena is used as an ingredient in herbal teas, as a fragrance in perfumes, and as an ingredient in alcoholic beverages. 

How does it work? 

Lemon verbena contains a substance that might kill mites and bacteria.

It truly has been letting me sleep much better than I have in a long time! Both teas are loose, so you will need a tea infuser or something similar.

If you are planning on trying the tea out (25 servings for $8!), please send me a DM on Twitter or leave a comment here. If you use a referral, we both get a $5 credit to the site! Each account can only recruit 5 people (to limit how much people can make through referrals), but I could really use the credits, since disability still hasn't come through and my dad's work is moving from Illinois to Ohio, so he's trying to find a new job.

Please let me know if you've tried these teas and if they've helped you! I'd much rather drink a cup or two of tea at night rather than take medication -- and I know that this feeling is shared by many spoonies.

In other news, I broke 2,000 followers! I'm in shock! My significant other, Kolton, sent me the link to the BBC article on The Spoon Theory by the ever-so-lovely Christine Miserandino (@bydls), the woman who runs ButYouDontLookSick.com, only moments after it was posted! It seems I broke the story on Twitter -- I've had so many RTs! Thank you all so much for helping me spread the word about The Spoon Theory. As someone who has an invisible illness, The Spoon Theory has helped me explain to my teachers in high school and college about what it is like to live with one.

I'm planning on beginning to start blogging regularly again! Hopefully I can stick to it this time, lol!

Love you all!
SpoonieJen

How much longer can I keep trying to pull myself back together again?

Just emailed this to Kolton. Too tired and in way too much pain to edit.

I

 awoke next to the bedroom fire again. My lower half was still wrapped up in a towel, and I was sitting on the edge of one damask-covered chair, bent over at the waist, with my torso draped across a stack of pillows on another damask-covered chair. All I could see was my feet, and someone was applying ointment to my back. It was Marthe, her rough strength clearly distinguishable from Matthew's cool touches. 

"Matthew?" I croaked, swivellimng my head to the side to look for him.
His face appeared. "Yes, my darling?"
"Where did the pain go?"
"It's magic," he said, attempting a lopsided grin for my benefit.
"Morphine," I said slowly, remembering the list of drugs he'd given to Marthe.
"That's what I said. Everyone who has been in pain knows that morphine and magic are the same. Now that you're awake, we're going to wrap you up." blahblah

[Note: Book I'm currently reading and what that is from is 'A Discovery of Witches' by Deborah Harkness)

Basically, she's injured badly and needs recovery from this really bad, physically traumatic thing. The thing about the magic is just the book -- it's on witches and such. 

It made me snap. Then go hysterical. Now numb with a migraine.

Peppy freaked the hell out. He ignored hot toast for 15 minutes, choosing instead to sit with me (knowing about the toast the entire time, exploring it to check what it is and still not eating it because he was this upset over me)

I haven't slept in 24 hours. Blah. Want to crash and hard...

----

Why does this bother me so much? Because pain relief is not a real concept to me. There is no relief. Ever. It doesn't matter the drugs or whatever I'm on, I'm still in physical discomfort from my different ailments. The pain hasn't let up in over ten years. I'm so tired...

Kolton and I are in a bad spot relationship wise because I cannot accept that this pain is there. I can't heal. I'm just broken. I can't put the pieces back together again and I don't know if I ever will be able to. I haven't since they broke, and that was a long, long time ago. Hell, that was before I hit puberty. Jesus.

This is the types of mornings where I question everything. I'm in a really dark place and I know my thundercloud will blow away, but until then, I'm in a bad state. My poor rat, he was huffing and puffing he was so upset he couldn't calm me. He's used to being able to calm me down when I start to actually physically cry, at the very least. I was just flat out hysterical for the first time in his memory -- I got him in July last year and the past couple of times this has happened I haven't been near the rat.

The garbage trucks are making a ton of racket. 

I want to scream. I honestly just might do so.

Pessimistic about being optimistic?

I'm sorry I haven't really blogged. I feel like I apologize every time I write a post (I probably do, lol). Life just never seems to stop being so... hectic. I'm still in mourning and the smallest things set me off. My depression and anxiety have been especially bad, including my night terrors. I seem to be constantly sick, as in fevers, chills, butterfly rashes, itchiness (everywhere!), and nausea and/or throwing up. I sleep all the time. Plus I'm getting multiple migraines daily. Ugh.

Peppy around 1.5 months old~ So cute!

I guess it's just one of those things. I need to go get an MRI done of my right hand and then see the rheumatologist again. It's just so difficult to schedule those types of appointments when I can't drive. My goal for the next year is to get off the heavy meds so I can begin driving again... I mean, if I can drive, I can go to school, work, see friends... The possibilities are endless. Instead I sit at home, do yoga (if I can), watch TV/Netflix/Hulu, and sleep. I see Kolton about once a week, sometimes twice.

In happier news, I have a pet rat! His name is Peppy and he lives next to my couch. Right now he's moving around newspaper and shredding it while chittering loudly. Chittering for rats is like when cats purr. Our two month anniversary was yesterday~ I'm guessing he's about 3 months, maybe 2.5 months old. He is a male dumbo rat. He makes me so very happy. He keeps me sane, haha. It actually really helps, having the responsibility of taking care of him. We kind of take care of each other in a way.

I didn't sleep much last night. I fell asleep right after dinner and then woke up around 1:30 AM. It's now 8:08 AM and I haven't slept since waking up. I think it's going to rain... My legs are aching something fierce.

I'm really trying to be more optimistic and more ... happier? I want to be happy. It's just so damn hard. I'm happy when I'm with Kolton, who I'm supposed to see today~! I'm happy when I can actually relax some and am not in major pain, but that is so rare these past few years. 

I feel so stuck.

Love you all~ Hope to hear from you guys soon!

xoxo,
Jen

RIP Mom

Last night at 8:30 PM my mom passed away. I'm so numb. I don't know what to do. I kept trying to fix things, but she went into a coma so quickly... I just didn't get the chance to finish things...

I'm so upset. I just don't know what to do.

The obituary is going to be posted in the Herald (Chicago -- will link on Twitter) on Tuesday. Wake is on Thursday, Funeral is on Friday.

My mom asked me to sing at her wake or funeral before she went into coma.

Blah...

Physical Therapy

Somehow I have made it to my third week of physical therapy! It still exhausts me, but I know I'm getting stronger -- even if it is slowly. After each session I come home and pass out. I never realize how tired I am until I sit down. I'm usually asleep within 10 minutes of getting home.

Today I might paint. I don't know why I want to, but I do. I haven't painted seriously in several years now. I don't know what I want to paint, but I can feel what I want to paint, as odd as that sounds.

Writing is difficult. Lately I have been feeling so very uncertain. It's as though my mind blanks out every time I try to express myself. I haven't been talking to anyone and I've been sleeping constantly (which is mainly due to the physical therapy). Perhaps it's the new medications, but I just don't know.

I'm terrified of this winter. Chicago winters are always rough, but this year is supposed to be worse than last year, which was a rough winter. I'm so nervous... My lupus has been acting up badly, especially as it gets colder at night. My cane wrist and shoulders are driving me crazy, along with my ankles. I mean, a LOT of my joints ache, but not like these. It's overwhelming.

All I have done these past three weeks is sleep, and all I want to do is sleep more. My depression has been getting darker and stormier. At my last doctor's visit I cried a lot and told him I want off the medications that aren't helping. But how can we tell...? I'm gaining weight again from the medicine. I haven't been eating a lot -- although I was before. It's odd. I've always been bigger, but I have never really wanted to eat a lot.

I feel hopeless.

It is as though every time I think things are as hard as they possibly can be, things get worse. Much worse. I've been in this black circle of muck and have been for a year and a half -- longer, to be honest. The same thoughts go through my head, over and over again.

It's hard to even write this. The pain and the fatigue are so bad I can barely move, let alone think clearly enough to type. I've barely talked to Kolton in days and my family have heard few words. I haven't been talking to anyone... Just laying here, crying, sleeping, trying to become numb.

Mom's cancer moved to her brain. We found out last week? I think? Time is really blurred. 10 radiation treatments should get rid of the tumors. I don't know if I'm going to post that... It makes it too real. I've told Kolton and one of my other good friends, mostly because Kolton was at work and I needed to talk and he was there. I feel bad, I keep thinking of all these things I should be doing -- I need to email Sam, I need to call Chris, I need to text other friends out here, I should make sure people are still visiting grandpa at the nursing home like they were before mom went into the hospital... I should be cleaning the house, preparing for any visitors. I should be making sure people are visiting mom. I should be doing my chores and feeding my family. Instead, I lay here. I can't do anything BUT lay here.

Pain levels are even higher than they were before. My whole world is falling down around me and I just can't hold everything up any more. I'm so scared.

What a long week!

It's been a long few months. I have several drafts on here from months ago that I never finished. I really need to finish a post I'm working on about my favorite pain creams.

Last Wednesday my grandfather fell while getting out of bed and hurt himself. He didn't hit his head, but he kept saying that he felt off. We ended up having to call an ambulance to transport him to the hospital to get him checked out. He was admitted as a precaution (he is 95!). All of the doctors were amazed that my grandpa doesn't take any medications other than baby aspirin and a supplement. He stayed at the hospital for a few days and then was transferred to a rehabilitation nursing home. He looks SO much better! After he fell, he kept saying that he felt as though all the life was drained out of him... He was so very pale. But now he has his color back and looks healthier than he has in a very long time. The doctors at the hospital confirmed he has Parkinson's Disease... But we've suspected that for a long time. While he was at the hospital, they started him on a medication for the Parkinson's and the shaking in his hands is almost completely gone! The medication isn't going to slow the progression of the disease, but it will help the symptoms. He looks healthier than I've seen him in a very long time.

These past few weeks I have been very stressed, which has caused a flareup of both my fibromyalgia and lupus. The lupus has been the worst though! My joints are killing me -- especially my ankles and wrists. Other joints hurt a lot too, but not like my ankles. It's awful. My legs have been swelling up like crazy because of it. I found my Nike sandals (with the bumpy, massage-y type sole) which helps a lot. My feet have been swelling to the point where some days I have problems wearing my gym shoes.

Anyway, hopefully I'll post my pain cream post later tonight or tomorrow, depending on how bad my wrists hurt.

I hope everyone is doing well!

Spoonie Love,
Jen