Physical Therapy

Somehow I have made it to my third week of physical therapy! It still exhausts me, but I know I'm getting stronger -- even if it is slowly. After each session I come home and pass out. I never realize how tired I am until I sit down. I'm usually asleep within 10 minutes of getting home.

Today I might paint. I don't know why I want to, but I do. I haven't painted seriously in several years now. I don't know what I want to paint, but I can feel what I want to paint, as odd as that sounds.

Writing is difficult. Lately I have been feeling so very uncertain. It's as though my mind blanks out every time I try to express myself. I haven't been talking to anyone and I've been sleeping constantly (which is mainly due to the physical therapy). Perhaps it's the new medications, but I just don't know.

I'm terrified of this winter. Chicago winters are always rough, but this year is supposed to be worse than last year, which was a rough winter. I'm so nervous... My lupus has been acting up badly, especially as it gets colder at night. My cane wrist and shoulders are driving me crazy, along with my ankles. I mean, a LOT of my joints ache, but not like these. It's overwhelming.

All I have done these past three weeks is sleep, and all I want to do is sleep more. My depression has been getting darker and stormier. At my last doctor's visit I cried a lot and told him I want off the medications that aren't helping. But how can we tell...? I'm gaining weight again from the medicine. I haven't been eating a lot -- although I was before. It's odd. I've always been bigger, but I have never really wanted to eat a lot.

I feel hopeless.