It is as though every time I think things are as hard as they possibly can be, things get worse. Much worse. I've been in this black circle of muck and have been for a year and a half -- longer, to be honest. The same thoughts go through my head, over and over again.

It's hard to even write this. The pain and the fatigue are so bad I can barely move, let alone think clearly enough to type. I've barely talked to Kolton in days and my family have heard few words. I haven't been talking to anyone... Just laying here, crying, sleeping, trying to become numb.

Mom's cancer moved to her brain. We found out last week? I think? Time is really blurred. 10 radiation treatments should get rid of the tumors. I don't know if I'm going to post that... It makes it too real. I've told Kolton and one of my other good friends, mostly because Kolton was at work and I needed to talk and he was there. I feel bad, I keep thinking of all these things I should be doing -- I need to email Sam, I need to call Chris, I need to text other friends out here, I should make sure people are still visiting grandpa at the nursing home like they were before mom went into the hospital... I should be cleaning the house, preparing for any visitors. I should be making sure people are visiting mom. I should be doing my chores and feeding my family. Instead, I lay here. I can't do anything BUT lay here.

Pain levels are even higher than they were before. My whole world is falling down around me and I just can't hold everything up any more. I'm so scared.