Confusion

Last Wednesday I had a doctor appointment... It was confirmed that I do have an autoimmune disorder. :( He said that I have a "diffuse connective tissue disease." He said that the methotrexate would not affect the fibromyalgia, which definitely points to an autoimmune disorder then. I haven't read up on it yet, I'm honestly scared. My doctor said that the methotrexate will keep it mild (hopefully) and keep it from becoming full-blown.

I'm honestly just scared. I knew something else was going on with my body, even if I didn't know what. Blah.

I keep meaning to write, but life has just completely overwhelmed me... This past month and a half has been sheer hell. I was in a 2 week bed-bound flare, then mom was admitted to the hospital for a week, and now my Great Aunt Helen has died. I didn't know her very well, but I only have pleasant memories about her. She was always very sweet. She would send us cards with the most beautiful handwriting, updating us on what has been happening... She died the other night. The funeral is on Thursday morning. I am honestly really nervous... My pain spikes whenever I am stressed, and I know tomorrow will be -major- stress...

My 2 week bed-bound flare was horrid. My mom was also sick, and I felt so guilty being unable to really help around the house or cook. I became really behind on my schoolwork, especially after mom's hospitalization. Mom was hospitalized due to some chemo complications... There was swelling near/in(?) her lungs, which made it hard for her to breathe. She is thankfully fine. It was a really hard week, the week she was in the hospital. I am terrified that something is going to happen and I would have to say goodbye... I don't know if I could handle that... It was hard enough seeing her so weak... I am crying just thinking about it. I love my mom so much, even though we do have our rough patches, and I just want her to heal and become better. She deserves so much, I wish she wasn't so sick... It's really hard on everyone, but I cannot imagine how hard it must be on her. I keep her in my thoughts and prayers all the time, and do my best to help her with whatever she needs, but I wish I could do more...

I have to keep taking breaks while typing because my hands are aching so much. The weather forecast is saying rain tomorrow, which explains how achy I am. On doctor visit days, I always seem to get migraines, tremors, and just overall worsened pain. It's very difficult for me to talk about how sick I have been, especially in front of my dad. I try and keep everything inside, not really telling my parents how hard it is to live like this... I don't tell anyone. I talk somewhat about it on Twitter and here, but that is the most I do. I try and journal, but I only become frustrated with myself. Even blogging becomes difficult, mostly because I look at what I am writing and become angry with myself. I notice how much I focus on myself, how many times I use the word 'I.' The doctor visits are the only time I talk about how hard it is and what is going on with my body. My dad already has enough on his plate, he doesn't need this stuff too... I think the anxiety from having to have my dad hear all of it is what sets me off the most. I loathe having my family see me like this. I want to be healthy and normal...

In better news, the methotrexate may have started working! I am really excited about this. The other day I had so much more energy and the pain wasn't as bad. Even now, it's not as bad as it could be (or usually would be). I'm doing my best to not place too much hope in it, but I can't help myself! The fact that the medicine may be starting to work has me extremely nervous though... What does it mean? Do I have an autoimmune disorder, did the tests give me false-negatives? What other treatments are in store? What autoimmune disorder do I have, if I have one? It's all so scary...

Cooking Away My Worries...

I don't like who I am. I am spoiled. I expect too much from people. I feel empty and depressed... I'm spiraling down, farther and farther.

So I decided I am going to cook until I can't feel any more.

Tonight I'm using our leftover ham to make a cheddar and ham quiche. Instead of a pie crust, I am using hash browns. I didn't have any frozen hash browns, so I julienned the potatoes up real nice and mixed them with some  minute diced onion. My hands are aching, but I just... I can't. I had a lovely Christmas with my family, I saw Kolton and his family last night. Kolton and I had a great day yesterday. Yet today I feel empty and sad. I feel like I'm just floating along, not able to grab on anything to hold me steady.

My doctor took me off of Pristiq and started me on 40mg of Prozac. I just started taking the Prozac a few days ago after the Pristiq left my body. I have an eagle eye on my depression and I have asked Kolton and my best friend to keep a close eye on me, to make sure that I don't get too depressed. I'm scared.

Tomorrow I want to make split pea soup. Maybe Wednesday. Tomorrow my family might be going sledding with my uncle and his two daughters. I don't know if I am yet. Thursday mom has chemo again.

I hate who I have become and I don't know how to change.

Anger and Frustration

A few days ago, I had a major flare begin. All I've been doing is lying around, stretching when I can, and avoiding extra movement as I can... The pain levels are extremely high. I've been doing my best to help around the house, but I have been a lot less active than I normally am. Every time I move I have to avoid screaming... Over the years I have become very good at holding a mask up and not showing the pain. Most people are surprised to find out how much pain I really am in because I am so good at hiding it. I haven't had a choice about hiding it, it's the way it has had to be. I feel like I look dead. I can't feel emotion when I'm in this much pain... I just want to cry. I've had people questioning if I really am in a flare and it hurts so much to have to defend this to them... I just don't know what to do. Chances are I am reading way too much into this and taking it too personally, but I just can't help it. 

Since the flare began, I have noticed that I am extremely irritable. I am generally not an angry person, but I have been getting flashes of anger over little stupid things... Things that really should not be bothering me. It scares me. I shouldn't be angry like this. I just want to scream.

I am so frustrated with all of this. I saw my neurologist on the 24th and told him how I have been really worried that there is something else going on with my body other than fibro. My doctor ordered a full lab work up and a metabolic panel. I see him on the 22nd. I am so nervous... I'm very scared that something else is going on. I really should not be this sick with just fibro. Ugh.

Right now I cannot even describe how upset I am in general. I am having such a hard time coping with everything lately. This snow is just killing me and I have not reached the peak of this flare yet. Blahhh...

Breakthrough Pain

Lately I have been noticing a whole lot of breakthrough pain. My stress level is around a 10/10 and things are just crazy in my life. I know that my stress level definently attributes to my pain level, but this is just getting ridiculous.

My doctor has had me on Embeda for every day treatment and then MSIR for the breakthrough pain. Last month I took -way- less MSIR than usual, but I have noticed that the amount I am taking it is increasing again. Even on the Embeda, MSIR, and Robaxin, the pain is skyrocketing. I am having a lot of trouble moving, especially due to my lower back and hips.

When I went to my neurologist's last week, he gave me six or seven (I am thinking seven -- not quite sure!) steroid shots in my neck and back. The trouble spots that he injected are starting to loosen up and I definetly have more mobility in my neck, but the pain is just as bad... The muscle tension is more than it has been at this point in the steroid schedule. I am very concerned.


My depression is also getting worse and worse. I keep applying for jobs but I have not heard from anyone. I will be starting online classes at the local junior college in January, but until then, I have nothing much to do... I clean the house, cook dinner, do laundry, etc, but I feel so empty. I have been sleeping more and more, but feeling more tired. I just want to cry my eyes out but I don't even have the energy to do that. I feel like such a disappointment and a failure. Nothing I do helps those feelings. I have been considering going back to therapy, but it is so expensive and I can't drive. I don't want to bring up any of these things to my family because I know that they have enough going on with my mom being so sick...

I just feel so frustrated. I have been doing my best to mask my pain and not let anyone know how much it hurts to even breathe so they can focus on my mom... I let it slip for a second and I get questioned, then I feel as though I suck as a person for letting it slip.

I just don't want to live like this any more. I have been meditating more, journaling, doing more yoga... Nothing helps. I just can't do this.

Mom's Surgery

Mom's chemo pills haven't been working, so the doctor has decided that she needs to go back onto IV chemo. Right now she is getting her port put back in. She got her first port removed about nine months ago because of a blood clot. She starts back on chemo on Thursday. I am freaking out... I just don't know what to feel. I'm so scared my mom is going to die. I know that she is doing better, but it still terrifies me.

I've been crying a lot lately. Stress is just overwhelming me. My eye twitch came back this morning... My rash is getting worse. Pain levels have skyrocketed due to weather and stress. Ugh...

Please keep my mom and my family in your thoughts/prayers...

Stress and Depression Aren't a Good Mix...

I'm so sorry I have just kind of dropped off of the earth recently... Life has been difficult... Not as difficult as it could be, but I have been struggling a lot. The previous anti-depressant I was on, Zoloft, backfired on me and my depression increased at least doublefold. My doctor took me off of it and started me on Pristiq about 3 1/2 weeks ago. Four days ago I broke out into a rash. It is on my arms, legs, and now my face. It is so itchy! My depression hasn't really gotten any better... All I want to do is lay in bed. I have no interest in anything else. I have been going on cleaning sprees and forcing myself to go out just so I can try to get myself happier... It is a momentary distraction. It is getting harder and harder to get myself to leave my bed. I don't even have the energy to cry much. I just don't want to do this any more. I just want to be done... I see my doctor next week and I pray that he can fix this. I know I should call and tell him about the rash, but I know they'll tell me to stop the medicine... But what if it starts working that day or the next...?