Thank goodness for DVR.

Probably a short blog today. My hands are really bothering me. I can't sleep, so I'm catching up with my DVR, mostly because it is running out of space. I could barely move today. My pain levels are extremely high. I didn't take any pain medications for 24 hours though! I am very pleased with this. I really need to detox, I feel so mindless lately because of the medications. Usually I try to have at least one day a week where I don't take any pain medications. It helps my body with tolerances and buildups. I try to not take the medications at all, but that just has not been feasible lately.

Tomorrow I am going to call the biofeedback clinic to schedule a brain scan. I see my neurologist in the next two weeks and I am going to ask for a script for physical therapy with hydrotherapy. I'm so tired of living like this...

Sleepless Nights...

I have barely been sleeping recently. The weather is really messing with me and the pain has been so bad. My medications just aren't helping like they should be. My medications are making me itchy and hot, and honestly just ill-tempered. The pain is mostly in my back/neck tonight. My neck and upper back is so knotted up it is ridiculous. It's only making the pain worse, which in turn makes the knots worse. It's a lose-lose situation. I can't get the knots to go away in the slightest. I want to sleep, but I just can't. I'm not tired enough. I'm fatigued, but not tired. It's driving me crazy. I really need to start a new muscle relaxant. I've been on 350mg of Soma for way too long and it just isn't working now. I like Soma because it doesn't knock me out, like most muscle relaxants, but I just can't take this.

In better news, Kolton and I are celebrating our year and a half anniversary on Friday. Tomorrow we are supposed to be going to the Shedd Aquarium in Chicago, which I am super excited about. It's a free week, so we are taking the train up to Chicago and then taking a bus to the museum. I'm really hoping that we can get to go to the Buckingham Fountain. I've only been there once. Some more exciting news is that a friend that I have had for 16 years and I have been talking tonight. I've missed her a lot. I forgot how nice it is to talk to her. We've always gotten along really well and we understand each other very well. :)

"The Body Broken: A Memoir"

Yesterday I read the book "The Body Broken: A Memoir" by Lynne Greenberg. I found this book at the library while looking for books on fibromyalgia. I honestly think that I was meant to pick up this book. It was on accident, but I honestly think it may have been more than that.

This book was incredible. Lynne Greenberg suffers from chronic pain due to a neck problem and she chronicles her life in her memoir. This book spoke to me greatly. It shows how much chronic pain can truly affect someone's life and how hard it can be for others to understand also.

I wish I wasn't so tired. If I had more energy I would write more on this book. I very, very highly recommend it for all sufferers from chronic pain and their loved ones.

Frustration

In the past few days, I have realized that I don't remember a time before I was sick anymore. I've had fibromyalgia for 6 or 7 years now, since I was 14 or 15. I was diagnosed at 16. I'm now 21. This realization has really upset me. I've been crying a lot today. I'm just so very tired... Tired of always being in pain, tired of living like this, tired of disappointing people, tired of disappointing myself. I want to be normal. I want to be able to go to class every day and study and get good grades. I want to stop angering those around me.

I'm so tired and so sick. My pain levels have been extremely high. My pain pills aren't working. I'm out of morphine until next Wednesday -- I didn't make an appointment early enough and so I'm seeing my doctor 2 weeks later than I normally would.

I'm sorry that my blogs have been depressing recently. I'm really having a hard time.

Fibro Rantings

I am extremely frustrated today. My back has left me stuck in bed all day. It has been raining and the pain levels have been so very high. I ran out of morphine, one of the only medications that actually works. I switch off between that and Dilaudid. I'm so tired of not being able to actually move without taking these pills. I just want to be able to live again.... without so much pain. I'm so tired of living like this. I've been having a really hard time dealing with this recently.

I'm sorry I'm so negative today. I just want to scream and cry. I miss my old life, the one I can barely remember any more. I honestly think that is one of the most upsetting things about it all -- I can barely remember the time before fibro, before I was always in pain. I was only 14 or 15 when it came out. It's been over 6 years now. I'm so tired of it all.

I really hope tomorrow goes better than this. I have to be in my classes, or I might as well just drop out.

Choir Tour: Day Five!

This is it. I'm home. After a very long five days, I am home and it feels very odd not to be so close to 50 people. Usually I can't stand being around most people... But after these past five days it hasn't been nearly as bad. My homestay last night was lovely. I took a great hot bath in a soaker tub. It was great! I listened to an audio book, Catch Me If You Can by Frank Abagnale Jr., while soaking in my hot bath. I put in my aches and pains shower gel that I have too. It was just incredibly relaxing. I really needed that. The family I stayed with last night was so sweet. I adored them. I had such a great time. Honestly, I think that was my favorite homestay, as was staying at S's family's place. They are definitely tied!

This morning my choir performed at the confirmation service. It went very well. I'm sure it made the service very special for the kids who were being confirmed. After the concert, we had some lovely free time. I ended up playing cards with some friends for quite a while. I finished downloading the rest of my audio book, which made me very happy. My library has a service where you can download books and audio books, etc. It's great! Free too. :) The second concert of the day (the final concert of the tour!) went extremely well. I ended up crying at the last song. This concert was in honor of an alumni who had died in November. His wife was sitting in the second row and the way she looked at me during the song... I cried.  My choir sounded wonderful. I loved those concerts.

 I am home finally. l really am missing it... But I'm oh so glad to be home. My pain levels have been rather high today. My meds aren't working and I'm so very sore. I'd give anything for another one of those baths in a soaker tub, lol!

Tomorrow I will start posting more about what has been going on with my health and whatnot. This ends the choir tour series! Love you guys!

-Jen

Choir Tour: Day Four

Today has been nice. I got to sleep in until 9 and then we had breakfast at the church that we performed at last night. We then drove to downtown Madison, WI and had two and a half free hours there. It was tons of fun. I walked to the capital building and looked around. It is beautiful! Then I walked through the farmer's market and bought some pastries (they were buy one get one free!). I ended up going into some shops in the downtown area and I bought a skirt for $8 and a little statue of Ganesha, the god of overcoming obstacles. I have been looking for a statue for a while and it was only $12. It is really beautiful.

Right now I am in Milwaukee for three hours of free time, and then we are going to a church to meet up with our homestay families. I am exhausted... I can't wait to get home tomorrow and sleep in my own bed. I'm really enjoying tour and I have made new friends, but I'm just very tired.

The bus has not been very kind to my back. I have been sitting with a pillow behind the small of my back, which is helping somewhat. I really need to lay down though. I think I am going to go find some dinner and walk around. I hope everyone is doing well! I can't wait to catch up on everything.

-Jen