Whenever a patient takes anti-depressants, there is always the risk that the medication will backfire. Five weeks ago, I began 100mg of Zoloft (I had been on 50mg for about six months and it wasn't working well enough). About two weeks ago, the 100mg started kicking in and my depression increased and increased. All I have been doing is lying in bed staring off all day. I was starting to get extremely scared... I just felt so empty and desolate. It was horrifying.
I saw my neurologist last night and he feels that the anti-depressant backfired. To fight this, I was removed from the Zoloft and I was put on 50mg of Pristiq. We are really hoping that this will help... But there is always the chance that this will backfire too. This is the third or fourth anti-depressant that I have tried, so it could be worse, but I am really praying that this will begin helping...
Has anyone else gone through this? How did you deal with the depression when it got extremely bleak?
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Interview!
Hi all. Tuesday I did an interview with ChronicBabe.com's Jenni Prokopy and I just received a copy of the video! This opportunity was great and Jenni was amazing to talk to. I am so glad I got to do this!
Beware - the audio is pretty loud, so you might want to turn down your speakers a tad!
Beware - the audio is pretty loud, so you might want to turn down your speakers a tad!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Anger
Right now I am furious. I can't find my water bottle which I had only an hour ago. I haven't moved from this spot. I have looked everywhere and it's just gone. I can't remember what I did with it. I'm angry with my sprained knee. I'm angry with the pain, the fatigue. I'm stressed beyond belief. I'm angry I'm not in school, that I still don't have a job. I'm angry with my family and friends for not understanding more. But mostly, I'm livid with myself.
I enable myself. No matter how bad the pain is, I still believe that I will wake up tomorrow and everything will be better. The pain will be gone. I will have a full night's sleep that actually restored me. I get false hope and then get crushed, even when I know that I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. I enable myself by overdoing it constantly and then being surprised when I can't move the next day. I do too much even when I can't really move.
I sprained my knee again. It had been hurting for a few days in a non-fibro way. I've been using my cane/wheelchair to prevent injury. This time I was sitting in Kolton's car and we were talking and laughing. I must have turned my knee just the wrong way when I shifted in my seat or something. I can't figure any other way out. We sat in the car for at least 20 minutes (it felt like a lifetime) with me screaming in pain. It felt as though someone had stabbed the top of my kneecap with a red-hot butcher knife. It was so bad that I was hitting myself, trying to pull out my hair, just to distract my body. I didn't realize that I was doing these things until Kolton grabbed my arms. I screamed and sobbed until the meds finally kicked in. This happened two days ago.
Today I decided it would be smart to clean my room. I mean, organize, make my bed real nice (I found my heated blanket though! I got it all set up which is definitely a plus!), scrub the wall where I spilled something, pick up stuff from the floor, go through a bin of old artwork and belongings... The list goes on. I did this with a sprained knee and a very sore back and neck. I did this because I am a moron. I knew that I was in too much pain to do this. I can't even put full weight on my leg without nearly collapsing. So why did I do these things?
I hate myself a lot of days. I have major anger, denial, and depression issues. I need to find a new therapist, one who is near this house. I need to start physical therapy for my fibro. I need to find a job... But I'm scared. I'm scared of all the change that has been happening. I'm scared of my family seeing me in this much pain, of my baby sister hearing me cry out in my sleep because the pain is too much; of her lying there awake because I can't sleep again because the pain is too bad. I'm scared of my mom dying. I'm scared of my family falling apart moreso than it already has. I'm scared of being forgotten. I'm scared that I won't get a degree...
I just don't know what to do anymore. I have lost most of my friends. I push everyone away and try to make them leave so they don't have to see me like this. I don't want to lean on anyone for help. I can think of four people who are still willing to talk to me, hang out with me, and that is slowly going down to two. I miss my friends...
I've been crying for the past half hour or so. I'm just frustrated with my situation, with my life. I'm so tired... I just want real sleep. The past few nights I have taken a sleeping pill only to lie awake all night long.
I just want my life back.
[Edit: I finally found the stupid water bottle. It was hiding in a pillowcase. How it got there, I have no idea.]
I enable myself. No matter how bad the pain is, I still believe that I will wake up tomorrow and everything will be better. The pain will be gone. I will have a full night's sleep that actually restored me. I get false hope and then get crushed, even when I know that I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. I enable myself by overdoing it constantly and then being surprised when I can't move the next day. I do too much even when I can't really move.
I sprained my knee again. It had been hurting for a few days in a non-fibro way. I've been using my cane/wheelchair to prevent injury. This time I was sitting in Kolton's car and we were talking and laughing. I must have turned my knee just the wrong way when I shifted in my seat or something. I can't figure any other way out. We sat in the car for at least 20 minutes (it felt like a lifetime) with me screaming in pain. It felt as though someone had stabbed the top of my kneecap with a red-hot butcher knife. It was so bad that I was hitting myself, trying to pull out my hair, just to distract my body. I didn't realize that I was doing these things until Kolton grabbed my arms. I screamed and sobbed until the meds finally kicked in. This happened two days ago.
Today I decided it would be smart to clean my room. I mean, organize, make my bed real nice (I found my heated blanket though! I got it all set up which is definitely a plus!), scrub the wall where I spilled something, pick up stuff from the floor, go through a bin of old artwork and belongings... The list goes on. I did this with a sprained knee and a very sore back and neck. I did this because I am a moron. I knew that I was in too much pain to do this. I can't even put full weight on my leg without nearly collapsing. So why did I do these things?
I hate myself a lot of days. I have major anger, denial, and depression issues. I need to find a new therapist, one who is near this house. I need to start physical therapy for my fibro. I need to find a job... But I'm scared. I'm scared of all the change that has been happening. I'm scared of my family seeing me in this much pain, of my baby sister hearing me cry out in my sleep because the pain is too much; of her lying there awake because I can't sleep again because the pain is too bad. I'm scared of my mom dying. I'm scared of my family falling apart moreso than it already has. I'm scared of being forgotten. I'm scared that I won't get a degree...
I just don't know what to do anymore. I have lost most of my friends. I push everyone away and try to make them leave so they don't have to see me like this. I don't want to lean on anyone for help. I can think of four people who are still willing to talk to me, hang out with me, and that is slowly going down to two. I miss my friends...
I've been crying for the past half hour or so. I'm just frustrated with my situation, with my life. I'm so tired... I just want real sleep. The past few nights I have taken a sleeping pill only to lie awake all night long.
I just want my life back.
[Edit: I finally found the stupid water bottle. It was hiding in a pillowcase. How it got there, I have no idea.]
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Changes
I am no longer a student of my beloved college... I am going to be doing online courses at the local junior college this year while trying to find a job that I am physically able to do. I am not handling any of this very well... I really miss my college... All of my friends there have returned and they started classes on Monday. I hear about the school and everything and it just breaks my heart not to be there. I probably was meant to not return this year, but still... My health has been terrible, my family can't afford it, and mom has been very, very sick. She is in a world of hurt... I wish I could make her better... I have been trying to clean and help around the house to make things easier on her, but due to stress, I have been rather sick too.
Lately I have been getting free massage therapy from one of my friends who is a masseuse. I cannot explain how much this has been helping. It is kind of awkward for me because I have known him for 16 or 17 years now, but he cracks jokes and whatnot and makes me feel better.
Today I gardened a lot. We have a veggie garden in our backyard that hasn't been tended in a while. So I went in the garage, got the gardening supplies, and went at all the weeds. The garden looks WAY better and I am extremely pleased. I harvested a ton of carrots, some of which are huge! I also found some string beans that are still good. I exhausted myself going through some of my college boxes too. I finally found my camera's battery charger!
After gardening, I ended up laying down and passing out for over four hours. I woke up feeling miserable. I now have a fever and can't breathe properly... I keep coughing and I have nausea, but luckily nothing has come from that yet.
Hopefully I'll be blogging more since I am at home. I can't register for spring term at the junior college until the end of October, so I better find a job soon!
Lately I have been getting free massage therapy from one of my friends who is a masseuse. I cannot explain how much this has been helping. It is kind of awkward for me because I have known him for 16 or 17 years now, but he cracks jokes and whatnot and makes me feel better.
Today I gardened a lot. We have a veggie garden in our backyard that hasn't been tended in a while. So I went in the garage, got the gardening supplies, and went at all the weeds. The garden looks WAY better and I am extremely pleased. I harvested a ton of carrots, some of which are huge! I also found some string beans that are still good. I exhausted myself going through some of my college boxes too. I finally found my camera's battery charger!
After gardening, I ended up laying down and passing out for over four hours. I woke up feeling miserable. I now have a fever and can't breathe properly... I keep coughing and I have nausea, but luckily nothing has come from that yet.
Hopefully I'll be blogging more since I am at home. I can't register for spring term at the junior college until the end of October, so I better find a job soon!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Stress Relief
Life has been extremely stressful recently. There has been a lot of fighting in my home and I'm to blame for it. I'm really struggling with my depression lately and I've been very apathetic to everything. That isn't going over too well with my family. I understand completely why they are upset, but all I want to do lately is cry. I can't even do that. I just feel empty. My neurologist doubled my Zoloft from 50mg to 100mg a day in hopes that it will help. I really hope it does! I just can't live like this any more.
I do have really great news! The steroid shots seemed to have finally helped. My muscles are way more relaxed and less painful. It is such a relief! I was really worried that they weren't going to help and I went through all that pain. I am so happy they worked!
I have been doing Tai Chi and yoga again, which always help my stress levels. I have also been meditating. Last night I sat out on the deck staring at the stars while listening to a Harry Potter audio book. It's amazing what a difference the little things can make to a person's outlook. Here's hoping things continue to perk up a bit!
Today has been wonderful too, which has really helped me. Kolton and I had a lovely date. We're going to my friend Crystal's house tonight for a get-together which will be fun. I'm really happy things are going well between Kolton and me. I really love him. I am honestly the luckiest woman alive to have such a caring and supportive man who loves me this much.
I do have really great news! The steroid shots seemed to have finally helped. My muscles are way more relaxed and less painful. It is such a relief! I was really worried that they weren't going to help and I went through all that pain. I am so happy they worked!
I have been doing Tai Chi and yoga again, which always help my stress levels. I have also been meditating. Last night I sat out on the deck staring at the stars while listening to a Harry Potter audio book. It's amazing what a difference the little things can make to a person's outlook. Here's hoping things continue to perk up a bit!
Today has been wonderful too, which has really helped me. Kolton and I had a lovely date. We're going to my friend Crystal's house tonight for a get-together which will be fun. I'm really happy things are going well between Kolton and me. I really love him. I am honestly the luckiest woman alive to have such a caring and supportive man who loves me this much.
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