Frustration

In the past few days, I have realized that I don't remember a time before I was sick anymore. I've had fibromyalgia for 6 or 7 years now, since I was 14 or 15. I was diagnosed at 16. I'm now 21. This realization has really upset me. I've been crying a lot today. I'm just so very tired... Tired of always being in pain, tired of living like this, tired of disappointing people, tired of disappointing myself. I want to be normal. I want to be able to go to class every day and study and get good grades. I want to stop angering those around me.

I'm so tired and so sick. My pain levels have been extremely high. My pain pills aren't working. I'm out of morphine until next Wednesday -- I didn't make an appointment early enough and so I'm seeing my doctor 2 weeks later than I normally would.

I'm sorry that my blogs have been depressing recently. I'm really having a hard time.

Fibro Rantings

I am extremely frustrated today. My back has left me stuck in bed all day. It has been raining and the pain levels have been so very high. I ran out of morphine, one of the only medications that actually works. I switch off between that and Dilaudid. I'm so tired of not being able to actually move without taking these pills. I just want to be able to live again.... without so much pain. I'm so tired of living like this. I've been having a really hard time dealing with this recently.

I'm sorry I'm so negative today. I just want to scream and cry. I miss my old life, the one I can barely remember any more. I honestly think that is one of the most upsetting things about it all -- I can barely remember the time before fibro, before I was always in pain. I was only 14 or 15 when it came out. It's been over 6 years now. I'm so tired of it all.

I really hope tomorrow goes better than this. I have to be in my classes, or I might as well just drop out.

Choir Tour: Day Five!

This is it. I'm home. After a very long five days, I am home and it feels very odd not to be so close to 50 people. Usually I can't stand being around most people... But after these past five days it hasn't been nearly as bad. My homestay last night was lovely. I took a great hot bath in a soaker tub. It was great! I listened to an audio book, Catch Me If You Can by Frank Abagnale Jr., while soaking in my hot bath. I put in my aches and pains shower gel that I have too. It was just incredibly relaxing. I really needed that. The family I stayed with last night was so sweet. I adored them. I had such a great time. Honestly, I think that was my favorite homestay, as was staying at S's family's place. They are definitely tied!

This morning my choir performed at the confirmation service. It went very well. I'm sure it made the service very special for the kids who were being confirmed. After the concert, we had some lovely free time. I ended up playing cards with some friends for quite a while. I finished downloading the rest of my audio book, which made me very happy. My library has a service where you can download books and audio books, etc. It's great! Free too. :) The second concert of the day (the final concert of the tour!) went extremely well. I ended up crying at the last song. This concert was in honor of an alumni who had died in November. His wife was sitting in the second row and the way she looked at me during the song... I cried.  My choir sounded wonderful. I loved those concerts.

 I am home finally. l really am missing it... But I'm oh so glad to be home. My pain levels have been rather high today. My meds aren't working and I'm so very sore. I'd give anything for another one of those baths in a soaker tub, lol!

Tomorrow I will start posting more about what has been going on with my health and whatnot. This ends the choir tour series! Love you guys!

-Jen

Choir Tour: Day Four

Today has been nice. I got to sleep in until 9 and then we had breakfast at the church that we performed at last night. We then drove to downtown Madison, WI and had two and a half free hours there. It was tons of fun. I walked to the capital building and looked around. It is beautiful! Then I walked through the farmer's market and bought some pastries (they were buy one get one free!). I ended up going into some shops in the downtown area and I bought a skirt for $8 and a little statue of Ganesha, the god of overcoming obstacles. I have been looking for a statue for a while and it was only $12. It is really beautiful.

Right now I am in Milwaukee for three hours of free time, and then we are going to a church to meet up with our homestay families. I am exhausted... I can't wait to get home tomorrow and sleep in my own bed. I'm really enjoying tour and I have made new friends, but I'm just very tired.

The bus has not been very kind to my back. I have been sitting with a pillow behind the small of my back, which is helping somewhat. I really need to lay down though. I think I am going to go find some dinner and walk around. I hope everyone is doing well! I can't wait to catch up on everything.

-Jen

Choir Tour: Day Three

I am exhausted, both physically and emotionally. There are around 45 people on tour and I'm having a really hard time being around so many people at once. Don't get me wrong -- I am truly enjoying choir tour. I just need a break. Right now I am sitting outside of a church near Madison, WI just trying to find peace. I have been a loner ever since I hit 14 and started having the problems with the pain. This got worse after I was diagnosed. I really want to have more friends and to have fun with them, it's just very hard for me. I just need some detox time and then I will be okay. I think my exhaustion is probably from being on the bus with so many people for quite a while today. The seats are small and it is very crowded.

We have one more concert this evening, and then we are going to our homestays. I cannot wait. I am just exhausted... I want to go to sleep so badly. I honestly might take a short nap before our concert, depending on how long dinner takes. Chances are I won't get my nap. We had two concerts this morning at a high school and then a middle school. Some members of our choir are alumnis from those schools. Actually, at everywhere we have performed there has been a choir member who attends church there or went to school there. Every place so far has been very nice.

-Later-
My homestay is very nice tonight. She let me take a lovely hot bath with gardenia bubble bath. I feel gloriously relaxed. I really needed that. I'm so tired... I'm having a really hard time being around so many people all at once. It's nice to have some alone time.

Anyway, I'm going to go to bed, so goodnight darlings!
-Jen

Choir Tour: Day Two

Last night was really nice. I felt very comfortable at S's house and I slept incredibly well. I had a really hard time waking up, but I awoke feeling somewhat rested (moreso than usual). S's parents made me breakfast-to-go and off we went to meet the rest of the choir at Starved Rock. Even though I only live about an hour from Starved Rock, I had only been there once before, and that was to go canoeing when I was active with church (years ago!). I only saw the canoeing area, nothing more.

After we got to Starved Rock, we loaded our luggage on the bus and then went hiking. I ended up walking around by myself so I could get some alone time. I've been feeling very crowded and I just needed some space. I walked to two canyons with these beautiful waterfalls. I couldn't believe how gorgeous it was! I sat on a fallen tree and meditated for a while, listening to the rushing water and the birds. It was so lovely and peaceful... I haven't felt that at peace in a long time.

Right now we are at a McDonald's and I'm using their free wi-fi. I downloaded some e-books from my library in case I don't have internet later. I have a few books with me, but I'm almost done with them. I'm pretty tired. Thankfully we only have one concert tonight, but tomorrow we have four. I hope that the family I stay with tonight is nice and has a comfortable bed. My back is killing me!

I'll try to blog again tonight, if not tomorrow. Love you guys!
-Jen

PS - I'm going to set up a Flickr or something for my pictures so you all can see Starved Rock and whatnot. :)

Tour Day One

Today was a very long and exciting, yet draining, day. I finally woke up after a night of tossing and turning, then I went to therapy. Kolton met my knew therapist. I really like her. She understands me very well and I feel very comfortable with her. We are going to have two sessions a week. After therapy, I went to lunch and rehearsal. I passed out after rehearsal and then finished packing, just in time to get a good seat on the bus.

I'm currently on choir tour! We took a coach bus to a small town northwest of Chicago and performed at one of the choir members' church. It went well enough. I sure was exhausted though! After the concert, they fed us delicious food. Oh man, I can't think of the last time I ate that much! I had several people come up to me during dinner telling me how beautiful I am and how they are amazed I didn't use any music. (Note: I don't have a choice in not using music. Because of my cane, I cannot hold the folder up, so no music for me). It was very flattering.


Right now I'm at my friend S's parents' house. It's really nice. I'm very comfortable with her family. It makes me really happy! I'm exhausted... I wish I could go into more detail, but maybe tomorrow. My vision is starting to blur. Yay sleeping meds! I'm not sure if I will be able to post tomorrow or not. It depends if I can find a wi-fi connection or not. But I'm planning on writing regardless.

Night all. Sweet dreams~