zzz

I am so tired... I slept for maybe 45 min tops today. I can barely see straight. I took a sleeping pill last night, but it didnt work. so i sat up all night hallucinating. talk about scary!     right now i am at my neurologists office, waiting to see him. i have been so frustrated with my health lately... stress is not helping me at all.    anyway, on my phone  so maybe more later if im still awake
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Relay for Life

Last night I took part in Relay for Life, unexpectedly. I loved it, especially in light of what's been going on with my mom. My friend's family had a team, so I joined them and walked for six hours. I don't know how I did it, haha! It was a blast. My friend Kat and I walked and walked and walked. We caught up, as we haven't seen each other since high school. It was really nice.

I posted on my facebook: 

Jen helped raise over $15,000 with Relay for Life in Lockport last night in support of cancer research. It was all for you, [mom]. I love you mom.

Her response?

Thank you, Jen - I love you very much and I know this took a lot out of you, for a very fine cause. I think I'm living proof that all the money raised towards research is indeed helping many live a much longer life than would've been possible not so long ago.

I'm so happy right now, even if I'm exhausted and sore.

Life has been really tough.

I'm still in shock about mom's diagnosis... I can't believe that her cancer metastasized to her liver. She started the chemo pills last week... She was extremely sick today. It's really hard on all of my family. I'm so worried about her.

Yesterday I went back to the brain scan place and got my results. My brain's functioning is relatively normal, but my visual memory is lower. My depression rating was extremely high, as was my obsessive compulsiveness. I get a lot of nagging thoughts, but thankfully I don't really have any compulsive behaviors that I'm aware of. I broke down yesterday... It was extremely difficult to see these things written down.

I don't know how to feel anymore.

Update

Hi all... These past two weeks have been very difficult for me. As said on Twitter, I would tell everyone what was going on this week.

Last Monday, mom was admitted to the hospital due to severe side pain. They transferred her to the hospital where her medical file was. She was admitted. Thursday night, my mom returned home. They ran bone scans, CAT scans, MRIs, and a liver biopsy.

My mom's breast cancer has moved to her liver. The tumor is rather large, from what I understand. Surgery is not an option. They are going to be giving her chemo pills indefinitely. I do not know what stage it is at. Her doctor has high hopes and thinks that she will be fine.

I don't know what to do. I'm angry, I'm scared, I'm upset... I'm numb to be honest. I just don't know what to do.

Chemo starts tonight I think. Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers... I'm so scared.

Thank goodness for DVR.

Probably a short blog today. My hands are really bothering me. I can't sleep, so I'm catching up with my DVR, mostly because it is running out of space. I could barely move today. My pain levels are extremely high. I didn't take any pain medications for 24 hours though! I am very pleased with this. I really need to detox, I feel so mindless lately because of the medications. Usually I try to have at least one day a week where I don't take any pain medications. It helps my body with tolerances and buildups. I try to not take the medications at all, but that just has not been feasible lately.

Tomorrow I am going to call the biofeedback clinic to schedule a brain scan. I see my neurologist in the next two weeks and I am going to ask for a script for physical therapy with hydrotherapy. I'm so tired of living like this...

Sleepless Nights...

I have barely been sleeping recently. The weather is really messing with me and the pain has been so bad. My medications just aren't helping like they should be. My medications are making me itchy and hot, and honestly just ill-tempered. The pain is mostly in my back/neck tonight. My neck and upper back is so knotted up it is ridiculous. It's only making the pain worse, which in turn makes the knots worse. It's a lose-lose situation. I can't get the knots to go away in the slightest. I want to sleep, but I just can't. I'm not tired enough. I'm fatigued, but not tired. It's driving me crazy. I really need to start a new muscle relaxant. I've been on 350mg of Soma for way too long and it just isn't working now. I like Soma because it doesn't knock me out, like most muscle relaxants, but I just can't take this.

In better news, Kolton and I are celebrating our year and a half anniversary on Friday. Tomorrow we are supposed to be going to the Shedd Aquarium in Chicago, which I am super excited about. It's a free week, so we are taking the train up to Chicago and then taking a bus to the museum. I'm really hoping that we can get to go to the Buckingham Fountain. I've only been there once. Some more exciting news is that a friend that I have had for 16 years and I have been talking tonight. I've missed her a lot. I forgot how nice it is to talk to her. We've always gotten along really well and we understand each other very well. :)

"The Body Broken: A Memoir"

Yesterday I read the book "The Body Broken: A Memoir" by Lynne Greenberg. I found this book at the library while looking for books on fibromyalgia. I honestly think that I was meant to pick up this book. It was on accident, but I honestly think it may have been more than that.

This book was incredible. Lynne Greenberg suffers from chronic pain due to a neck problem and she chronicles her life in her memoir. This book spoke to me greatly. It shows how much chronic pain can truly affect someone's life and how hard it can be for others to understand also.

I wish I wasn't so tired. If I had more energy I would write more on this book. I very, very highly recommend it for all sufferers from chronic pain and their loved ones.