Today has been awful. My pain has skyrocketed lately... I mean, it's been bad recently, but these past few days it's been way worse. I tried getting out of bed this morning and when I put any weight on my legs, it felt as though there were hundreds of knives being put into my legs. This didn't go away for a few hours... If I sit up for too long, it feels like knives are being shot into my lower/middle back. This is awful!
I see my neurologist on Wednesday evening. I am going to talk to him about this... This has never happened to this severity before. During my last two appointments, we have discussed steroid shots for where it is really bad. Does anyone get steroid shots for their fibromyalgia? I am really considering getting the shots on Wednesday...
I have had one steroid shot before, when I was 13. It was our last shot before my first knee surgery. I reacted very badly. Within 30 minutes, my knee was bright red and extremely swollen. We are unsure if this is because of a reaction or because the doctor screwed up. I'm really scared to do this... But I don't see any other options right now...
Monday, August 23, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Frustration
I hate myself. I hate myself for being a disappointment to my parents. I hate myself for being a money-sucking, financial burden to them. I hate myself for causing my family stress. I hate myself for not being able to sleep. I hate myself for being moody, irritable, and all together annoying. I hate myself for being sick; I should be able to stop being in so much pain by just focusing enough. I hate myself for needing the morphine to get through a day. I hate myself for being scared. I hate myself for being this depressed. I hate myself for pushing everyone away and losing almost every single friend I have. I hate myself for not being able to make dinner when my family needs me to. I hate myself for not being able to do my easy chores. I hate myself for not being able to stay on top of the things I know I have to do. I hate myself for being self-centered enough to type this stupid blog. I hate myself for a million other things.
I can't focus on anything but self-hatred. I've been having a pity party all night. My thoughts just keep repeating themselves over and over again. I want to scream, but I can't. I can't lay down (or is it lie down? I have never been able to remember the difference) because my back hurts too much. I've been propped up against pillows. I want to sleep so badly... My sleeping pills have been knocking me out for 14+ hours lately, probably because I have had way too many sleepless nights recently.
I just can't live like this any more. I am in so much pain... The morphine and percocet are barely shaving the top off of it. Earlier I sat in the kitchen just bawling because I didn't know what to do. I needed to make dinner, but the chicken I had pulled out the day before was still frozen and we need groceries. Everything I could think of that I could make was out of reach physically. I might have been able to make pancakes, but that would have meant making the batter from scratch and standing there for at least 30 minutes flipping the pancakes (that's a lot of pancakes, but I have to feed 6). I just couldn't comprehend the amount of movement it would have taken. I tried reaching for the mixing bowl I needed, but I couldn't lift my arms high enough. How was I supposed to spend over half an hour cooking? We ended up ordering pizza. I know I'm a huge disappointment to my parents... I try so hard, but it's not going to be good enough.
I know no one wants to hear this, but I can't find my journal. Even if I could, I don't think I could hand write. I could just type this up in a word document, but I wouldn't bother. I need to make myself accountable, otherwise I won't vent. I'm not going to feel any better after this, but I just can't not write this.
I just don't want to live any more. I'm not going to commit suicide or anything, but I'm tired. I'm tired of sleepless nights, of it being too painful to cry. What do you do when you reach this point, if you do?
I can't focus on anything but self-hatred. I've been having a pity party all night. My thoughts just keep repeating themselves over and over again. I want to scream, but I can't. I can't lay down (or is it lie down? I have never been able to remember the difference) because my back hurts too much. I've been propped up against pillows. I want to sleep so badly... My sleeping pills have been knocking me out for 14+ hours lately, probably because I have had way too many sleepless nights recently.
I just can't live like this any more. I am in so much pain... The morphine and percocet are barely shaving the top off of it. Earlier I sat in the kitchen just bawling because I didn't know what to do. I needed to make dinner, but the chicken I had pulled out the day before was still frozen and we need groceries. Everything I could think of that I could make was out of reach physically. I might have been able to make pancakes, but that would have meant making the batter from scratch and standing there for at least 30 minutes flipping the pancakes (that's a lot of pancakes, but I have to feed 6). I just couldn't comprehend the amount of movement it would have taken. I tried reaching for the mixing bowl I needed, but I couldn't lift my arms high enough. How was I supposed to spend over half an hour cooking? We ended up ordering pizza. I know I'm a huge disappointment to my parents... I try so hard, but it's not going to be good enough.
I know no one wants to hear this, but I can't find my journal. Even if I could, I don't think I could hand write. I could just type this up in a word document, but I wouldn't bother. I need to make myself accountable, otherwise I won't vent. I'm not going to feel any better after this, but I just can't not write this.
I just don't want to live any more. I'm not going to commit suicide or anything, but I'm tired. I'm tired of sleepless nights, of it being too painful to cry. What do you do when you reach this point, if you do?
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