It Never, Ever Ends

Mom had chemo on Friday and was doing okay. It has been about 3 weeks since she got out of the hospital, if my mental calendar is right. Friday night she came down with a very slight fever, but it was nothing serious. The slight fever persisted on Saturday too. However, Sunday morning she woke up with a 102.6 fever around 8 AM. It decreased to around 100.0 degrees by 10. I had a study date at the library with Kolton and so I left the house, with my youngest sister sitting with mom to keep an eye on her. Since her fever was going down steadily and I really needed to get the time in at the library for a paper, I didn't really think too much of it -- especially since my sister and dad were home.

I got a text around 2:30 from my youngest sister, Shelly, stating that mom had been admitted to the hospital for at least the night. Her fever kept increasing and it is better for her to be at the hospital with a high fever instead of at home... Especially two days after chemo. I wanted to go home so badly... I knew I wouldn't be able to do anything and I needed to focus and finish studying, so I stayed out. I was really upset too... Blah...

After I got home, I couldn't fall asleep. I took my sleeping pills, no luck. Melatonin, nothing. I was so desperate by 4 or 5 am that I tried a sip of butterscotch schnapps -- nothing. I still haven't slept. It's been ... 27 hours since I've slept. I'm exhausted but just can't sleep, even though I am running on empty. I doubt I'll get sleep for quite a while, I'm just too anxious. She was hospitalized only 3 weeks ago... I'm really scared... I know she is fine, but... I can't help but worry.

I can't even go visit tonight because I have a slight fever and a very sore throat. I was sick all last week with a cold or flu thing, brought on by the Methotrexate (stupid lowered immune system!), and I'm still recovering. It's not nearly as bad as it was three days ago, but it's still really upsetting. I can't risk getting mom sicker, so I need to stay home. I know that I can do the most here, but still... Grandpa needs dinner and laundry done, I have studying... I need to clean the kitchen and bathroom... All I want to do is cry though...

Mom isn't going to be home tonight, they still don't know what is causing the fever. Hopefully she'll be home tomorrow...

Can I please just get a break? People I don't really know keep telling me that God won't give me more than I can handle, but I don't think that's true. I'm breaking under all of this stress and worry ...