Pessimistic about being optimistic?

I'm sorry I haven't really blogged. I feel like I apologize every time I write a post (I probably do, lol). Life just never seems to stop being so... hectic. I'm still in mourning and the smallest things set me off. My depression and anxiety have been especially bad, including my night terrors. I seem to be constantly sick, as in fevers, chills, butterfly rashes, itchiness (everywhere!), and nausea and/or throwing up. I sleep all the time. Plus I'm getting multiple migraines daily. Ugh.

Peppy around 1.5 months old~ So cute!

I guess it's just one of those things. I need to go get an MRI done of my right hand and then see the rheumatologist again. It's just so difficult to schedule those types of appointments when I can't drive. My goal for the next year is to get off the heavy meds so I can begin driving again... I mean, if I can drive, I can go to school, work, see friends... The possibilities are endless. Instead I sit at home, do yoga (if I can), watch TV/Netflix/Hulu, and sleep. I see Kolton about once a week, sometimes twice.

In happier news, I have a pet rat! His name is Peppy and he lives next to my couch. Right now he's moving around newspaper and shredding it while chittering loudly. Chittering for rats is like when cats purr. Our two month anniversary was yesterday~ I'm guessing he's about 3 months, maybe 2.5 months old. He is a male dumbo rat. He makes me so very happy. He keeps me sane, haha. It actually really helps, having the responsibility of taking care of him. We kind of take care of each other in a way.

I didn't sleep much last night. I fell asleep right after dinner and then woke up around 1:30 AM. It's now 8:08 AM and I haven't slept since waking up. I think it's going to rain... My legs are aching something fierce.

I'm really trying to be more optimistic and more ... happier? I want to be happy. It's just so damn hard. I'm happy when I'm with Kolton, who I'm supposed to see today~! I'm happy when I can actually relax some and am not in major pain, but that is so rare these past few years. 

I feel so stuck.

Love you all~ Hope to hear from you guys soon!

xoxo,
Jen