Cooking Away My Worries...

I don't like who I am. I am spoiled. I expect too much from people. I feel empty and depressed... I'm spiraling down, farther and farther.

So I decided I am going to cook until I can't feel any more.

Tonight I'm using our leftover ham to make a cheddar and ham quiche. Instead of a pie crust, I am using hash browns. I didn't have any frozen hash browns, so I julienned the potatoes up real nice and mixed them with some  minute diced onion. My hands are aching, but I just... I can't. I had a lovely Christmas with my family, I saw Kolton and his family last night. Kolton and I had a great day yesterday. Yet today I feel empty and sad. I feel like I'm just floating along, not able to grab on anything to hold me steady.

My doctor took me off of Pristiq and started me on 40mg of Prozac. I just started taking the Prozac a few days ago after the Pristiq left my body. I have an eagle eye on my depression and I have asked Kolton and my best friend to keep a close eye on me, to make sure that I don't get too depressed. I'm scared.

Tomorrow I want to make split pea soup. Maybe Wednesday. Tomorrow my family might be going sledding with my uncle and his two daughters. I don't know if I am yet. Thursday mom has chemo again.

I hate who I have become and I don't know how to change.

Anger and Frustration

A few days ago, I had a major flare begin. All I've been doing is lying around, stretching when I can, and avoiding extra movement as I can... The pain levels are extremely high. I've been doing my best to help around the house, but I have been a lot less active than I normally am. Every time I move I have to avoid screaming... Over the years I have become very good at holding a mask up and not showing the pain. Most people are surprised to find out how much pain I really am in because I am so good at hiding it. I haven't had a choice about hiding it, it's the way it has had to be. I feel like I look dead. I can't feel emotion when I'm in this much pain... I just want to cry. I've had people questioning if I really am in a flare and it hurts so much to have to defend this to them... I just don't know what to do. Chances are I am reading way too much into this and taking it too personally, but I just can't help it. 

Since the flare began, I have noticed that I am extremely irritable. I am generally not an angry person, but I have been getting flashes of anger over little stupid things... Things that really should not be bothering me. It scares me. I shouldn't be angry like this. I just want to scream.

I am so frustrated with all of this. I saw my neurologist on the 24th and told him how I have been really worried that there is something else going on with my body other than fibro. My doctor ordered a full lab work up and a metabolic panel. I see him on the 22nd. I am so nervous... I'm very scared that something else is going on. I really should not be this sick with just fibro. Ugh.

Right now I cannot even describe how upset I am in general. I am having such a hard time coping with everything lately. This snow is just killing me and I have not reached the peak of this flare yet. Blahhh...